The obvious ringtone for your most likely caller is “Don’t fear the reaper".

I like to know who’s calling without looking at my phone so:

When I wasn’t a functioning adult and contributing member of society, I used to have Angel Of Death by Slayer. That turned more heads than Bruce Jenner in a tube skirt.

1-48. Various Ringtones Preloaded On Phone.

Also an option: have your phone make some sort of normal phone noise, because you're an adult.

The Mets are like a North Korean Ballistic Missle.

At first you’re like: “wow, look how high that’s going, for sure that will reach Seoul and blow the imperialist collaborators to pieces.”

But inevitably after like 25 seconds you’re like: “Oh fuck! get the fuck out of the way!! KIM!! here it com-”

Mets = Unha-3

Old Cop doesn’t give a shit what or where Young Thug is digging, just as long as he pulls up his fucking pants and hits the bricks.

When the crowd is yelling ‘keep your black ass outta Southie’ for encouragement, it’s hard not to muster that kind of inner strength and stamina.

I’d be more winded and exhausted following a Game of Thrones marathon then they were after running an actual one. Time to make some life changes.

What a waste of coke.

Your approach to roasting a chicken sounds great Albert but I'm always going to prefer gathering together its dearest friends and closest colleagues to crack wise about the chicken's romantic indiscretions.

You never hear much about his older and bankrupt brother Lien Smith, coach over there at I.O.U.

This is the most horrifying ISIS video yet.

I can never resist low hanging fruit.

Trying to be ironical about it still doesnt excuse the fact that you wanted to tell us you understood his reference.

Baltimore took this more seriously than domestic violence

As a fan of white people in general, I find my loyalties lie with Gonzaga. However I could be swayed to follow Lafayette, provided they shoot an unarmed black fellow first.

I find that cascading a mountain's worth of 5 years of student loans and credit card debt is a quicker, easier way to bury your parents.

I usually just refer to Don Lemon as 'My Ninja.'
As his mouth is expertly skilled in surprsing the ever-loving fuck out of me, rendering me stunned and confused.

And they replied: "Do what again?"