All the invisible hand ever seems to do is jack off its invisible dick, and while jacking it is a perfectly healthy and normal thing, you still have to go outside and be a member of society.

During angry sex foreplay, a Russian woman did this sort of tackling/pro wrestling move and threw me back first through an IKEA coffee table. Did it right there on the floor between two halves of a table. So many scrapes and splinters.

Join Roller Derby. Pick your own nickname and have it be the thing most people know you by.

Defund Planned Parenthood and then do... what? You want to defund Planned Parenthood? Okay, sure. What are you going to do to make sure all the services you were funding are still provided somehow? Oh, you’ve got nothing? Go fuck yourself.

Has to star Matt Bomer.

Somewhere, Kevin James is praying that Jim Tomsula has his story optioned for an Oscarbait biopic.

A few misinformed people (perhaps just one in this case) objecting to something doesn’t mean it’s a “controversy” trend story that warrants 6:00 news placement.

My current dating strategy is being in public and waiting for a woman to initiate a conversation and then try my hardest not to fuck it up. So this is pretty much the same thing.

I was really expecting another article on the merits of anus licking. Kinda disappointed.

Mine is in the future tense. When my father dies, I’m going to eat three giant Cajun seafood burriotos and I’m going to go to his memorial and see my family for the first time in what is now three years and I’m going to drop the nastiest fart of all time on my dead father. I am going to clear out the funeral home.

Just... all of the shade.

I’d like to have legal pot nation wide tomorrow, but I’m really hoping that this goes as quickly as gay marriage.

So metal,

I ironically enjoy the new EDM version. It’s fun, so what?

1: My mother is also one of those people that frequently uses the “my uniformed opinion is just as valid as your informed opinion” defense. She’s not even well informed on the nuances of Catholicism. I doubt Huckabee’s core beliefs matter to her as much as his “Good Christian” persona.

The last time I spoke to my mother two years ago, she kept going on and on about how she voted for Santorum in 2012 and how he would have beat Obama because Mitt Romney was too moderate. She has to be either backing him or Huckabee. Since she’s Catholic and never lived outside of PA, I’d guess Santorum. So he maybe…

As an Atlanta resident, one of my new favorite hobbies is showing pictures of Michael Vick’s dogs to people in Michael Vick jerseys on MARTA(local rail) on game day.

It’s not even that it’s a limitation of the memory, it’s that the memory hasn’t changed because there wasn’t a reason to change it yet.

This is so sad that I can’t even make a Big Lebowski reference.