2002, just out of college. We bought fireworks & decided to use them in a residential neighborhood just north of downtown Seattle. (West Queen Anne, for those who know) My buddy had just lit a roman candle when the cops drove by. Genius that he is, he held it into the grass & sparks flew at our feet. Roman candles are…

One 4th of July when I was about 4 a bunch of people at a party we were at had just lit up a bunch of sparklers in the backyard. For some reason when the sparklers went out they just dropped them in the grass. A few seconds later I come running through without any shoes on and proceed to burn the shit out of the…

Messiest in the physical sense.

I got close to black out (if only) hammered while staying at my family’s lake house by like 6 p.m. I ended up offering beer to some 13 year old sister of a family friend (she declined). Then I was smoking on a row boat, decided to stand up, fell in the water and lost my favorite sunglasses. I was literally sent to bed…

Let me start off by saying my ex is a moron.

i always knew i wanted to have kids, i have one, i love parenting, i want more

All in all I’ve always felt much better suited to the role of friend to all babies, even godmother or aunt to a select few, though I admit to wondering if I will one day come to regret this. I will read a story about how they are building robots to visit elderly people with no families of their own and think about…

If she started showing symptoms within hours of the party, she must have caught the virus at least two beforehand. 

Your dealer isn’t doing non-contact deliveries?

Don’t go. If your kid is old enough to be getting married, you’re probably at least in your fifties or sixties, right? Florida isn’t safe at all, but it’s especially not safe for people in high-risk groups. If your daughter really wants her family there, she will keep postponing it. 

My kid is getting married in FLORIDA in four weeks. Was already postponed from June. Don’t wanna go. Kinda praying for Florida to be Florida so I won’t have to fly to Florida for a (relatively) big Florida wedding reception.

She needs to pay for the testing and treatment of every person she hired.

Not the people who served them at the party. Cater waiters don't usually have awesome benefits. 

Imagine going to a party in the middle of a plague in the country with the most cases of said plague, knowing that this increases your risk of catching aforementioned plague, and then getting mad that you weren’t IMMEDIATELY warned that you were exposed to the fucking plague.

I know this pandemic isn’t fun, but can we just not with parties? Reality sucks right now, sure, but could you just do drugs with your immediate household and experience a new reality in a safe way? 

Am I a Swifty now? Is that the lingo? I am old and do not particularly like her music but she seems ok now. Gabriel Union on the other hand has always been awesome. Maybe I'm Unionist. That sounds right on all levels. 

Gabrielle Union is a beautiful woman inside and out. I love that she is so open to learning while supporting Zaya.

“We’re going to see the Sick Outs and Non-response To Calls that I think the NYPD(?) threatened around the time of Ferguson.”

Nah, the NYPD did that when people were trying to hold them accountable for murdering Eric Garner. Ironically enough, crime in the city went DOWN while all the cops threw their temper tantrum.

If I can’t abuse and kill you with impunity and demand that you get on your knees and praise me while I do it then ... I QUIT!