“Life is about dreams and dreams happen in the head where hair lives. Hair is expression ranch sauce mimosa. Other things. And pretty wonderful.”

“what do you mean you’re out of steak and can’t make anymore? it’s only 3:50am and you’re open until 4. i want my steak taco you @#$^%!!” at which point i dropped the bar as i saw him starting to scramble out of his car window. when he couldn’t get in he threw a beer at the window and it smashed. most of the glass…

One of my friends has a daughter who is very allergic to blue dye. It’s a thing...

I live in Russia, and its such a thing here, that in the maternity hospitals, mothers are forbidden from eating red foods for fear of allergic reaction in their babies. In fact most foods are forbidden for some reason or another. Then there’s me the American snacking on KFC while breastfeeding my newborn .

But they're not allergic to red. They're allergic to either the dye or the family of vegetables. You can't be allergic to a small spectrum of light wavelengths.

I work with a good friend of the Buzzfeed editor who tweeted “don’t pray. Push for gun reform.”

Actually, not necessarily true. I have many times warned customers away from a particular product. Usually it was actually because the product was bad.

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!

All those billboards that try to make them seem cool and hip are just the saddest things

Eric and Kathy say hello.

Or you just read the back of the shampoo/bodywash/conditioner bottle

If you had told me in the beginning that I would be happy Wendy would get the kid and live on a nice farm I would have never believed you.

Should I give up or should I just keep Jason Statham? Even if it leads nowhere?

So I had an abortion a little over two years ago. It was a wanted pregnancy, too. My son was diagnosed with half of his heart, which leads to suffocation at birth if not treated immediately with at least 3 open heart surgeries before 3 years old. And sometimes these kids die from heart attacks at the age of 4 when…

Sorry. That came out wrong. It was a family dynamic thing. I was teasing her because only she could wind up in an trendy “Hollywood” style anti-aging/weight loss clinic as a treatment for a chronic disease. She was so excited that she had an excuse to try it. I wish it had helped. RA is terrible.

Yeah it depends on the type of debt. Student debts get a pass but if it’s something like a ginormous credit card debt, I’d want to know what’s going on.

By some miracle, this managed to not happen in Florida.

You can transport back wounds lying on their side.

Someone who’s been shot in the ass?

I keep buns in the freezer. Or at least I do that when my kids go to their dads. When they are home a 16 year old dude and 11 year old female athlete never allow any food to last long enough to go bad. *sigh*