But if you kill your husband, who will get rid of future spiders!?!?

Little known fact - if you kill the ghost of a zombie, it becomes a ghombie. According to myth, lore, and legend, ghombies are always ready, willing, and able to take over long-running TV franchises as lead characters.

Beat me to it.

Liar. You switched to Red Apple cigarettes. I saw you.

“Smallest donation gets two six-packs.”

I love doing a brake torque. Except that it wastes gas and increases my carbon footprint.

“Who’s this clown?” is the harshest insult known to man because it implies that not only are you a clown, you’re not even one of the better-known ones. 

The only friend a real man has is the open road!

Males only have friendships with males they want to have sex with.

I haven’t talked to anyone since 1998.

Ha ha, males don’t have “friendships”!

I don’t even own a Neil Patrick Harris.

Like the people who will respond to articles about some moderately famous person with, “Who?”

I’m pretty sure everyone on Twitter thinks their random unformed thought is a gem.  I know I sure as hell do, and I’m going to keep tweeting at celebrities until they recognize me for it.

Famous people saying they don’t know who another famous person is the deepest insult possible in Hollywood.

Let’s simplify this a little:

If I’m ever using Uber, I guarantee I’m drunker than I’ve ever been in my life.

The A.V. Club

Feel like this is the only appropriate time to share this story:

Quick side note: My favorite Joke from Phineas and Ferb is when they’re doing the Star Wars episode, and Buford find them at the end wearing Obi-Wan’s robes and says, “Hey, look what I found just laying in the hallway!”