[created a burner just to tell this story so please kind people, pull me out of the grays!]

Wedding in Israel, on a kibbutz in the middle of nowhere (well, as much as you can be in the middle of nowhere in Israel, it’s a small place). I’m at a singles table of three women and eight men, I’m not feeling particularly interested in any of them, but then one of them remarks to my friend that he works in his…

5’10”, could have written this myself.

I’m 5’9 and I got bullied for it so much at school that I developed a slouch that has never really gone away. I’ve always felt unfeminine as a result because I am not dainty and petite. And guys can be super fucking weird about women who are taller than them. My ex didn’t like the fact that I was one whole inch taller…

You can pry my AC from my (comfortably) cold, dead hands. Have you been to the Gulf Coast in June-September?

No, I’m fine buying pads & tampons. I only feel weird or embarrassed buying pregnancy tests. One time the checker cheerily said, “Good luck!” and I responded, “yeah, I hope it’s negative.” The look on her face was priceless.

This is the longest “WAHHHHHHHHHH” I’ve ever read.

The flashbacks could have been a lot less protracted thats for sure. It was like being hit in the face with sledgehammer where a slap would have sufficed.

Oh for sure, I went to the TIP program, first at Davidson, then at Duke. It was MIND blowing. I adored the classes and the freedom, but most of all my fellow nerds. So many nerd hormones. I met my first boyfriend one year, my first girlfriend another year. And I am not kidding, I came back to my tiny middle school…

Once at my cousin’s wedding, after a few beers during the cocktail hour, I made my way over to a bowl of what I thought were Wasabi peanuts. After popping a couple in my mouth, I realized it was a bowl for Olive pits. Awesome. Killed all the germs with copious amounts of alcohol.

I kind of wish that a super popular restaurant put out a sign that says “WE DON’T SERVE DIVORCED PEOPLE BASED ON OUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS. #SORRYNOTSORRY”

Preach! I’m tall-ish but short-waisted and I need the low rise. Not the ridiculously low, pubic bone-baring low-rise, but the comfortable-distance-from-my-navel low rise. Anything too high-waisted just makes me look even more short-waisted and feels like it’s slicing me in half when I bend over. I’m seriously going to…

THANK YOU.

That’s actually my favorite one because it’s so dark.

I had a European friend that we took to Toronto and Niagara Falls over a long weekend, and though he was pretty used to American accents and spoke excellent English, it took him a long time to hear the difference in THos when asked if he wanted white or wheat.

I can’t stop laughing at this. My eyes are raw from wiping away the tears.

My friend the flight attendant loves to ask people, “Penis or snatch?” when handing out the complimentary treats.

The question, “why do we eat bread?” will be stuck in my head for weeks.

but...did HE SAVE BREAD?

I am laughing uncontrollably. OMG that's the greatest story ever.