Their subs are so bland. That’s their true crime. Real hoagies are a gustatory delight, with spicy meat and aged provolone or fresh moz and chewy bread, everything Subway subs are not.

I'm an accountant, and our firm performs work for the company that adds the artificial coloring to Subway's chicken breasts to make the grill marks.

Take, drink this, for this is my blood which is given to you. Do this in defiance of thirst.

"Fill up the flute about three-quarters of the way full with orange juice. Fill up the rest with champagne. Goodbye."

But really though. Who the fuck would break into a guy’s house if he has a Range Rover and a Hummer. The dude probably has a “weapons room.”

Helping friends move: Fuck no. If you are grown-up enough to get married, you are grown-up enough to hire movers. I never feel guilty saying no to a favor that I wouldn't dream of asking anyone to do for me. Someone recently "invited" me to a party at her new house so we could help her paint every single room. I…

say what you will about ISIS, but at least its an ethos

“Today?”

Is it just me, or does he appear to kind of hold his hands up like how dare you take advantage of my early celebration?

Top applicant:

No, but you should see the thing. It pisses me off and I own the fucker.

Here’s a better question: Why does the RX even have a second row? Has anyone ever toted more than one other person in one of these things?

“2) he calls his wheels rims”

Fuck Duke

How long have you been a tow truck driver? Do you wish you did better in school?

Man, Robert Allenby really needs to get his shit together.

What a stupid, podunk, insecure little company farm Oregon is for letting this shit happen. Outside of Portland, there's a quivering little nothing of a state that lets itself get steamrolled by Phil Knight, Nike, Intel and just about anyone else who makes them feel "big time" for just a second. Usually it's just a…