Was visiting my boyfriend's parents in a different state. Went to local bar and got predictably shit faced. Entered boyfriend's parent's house through side garage door, where we could recline on the available futon and smoke cigarettes via the open door. Feeling pretty decent, although I notice my stomach moving…

after drinking too many large French 75s that were mostly gin, I convinced myself I had accidentally dropped my only expensive piece of jewelry -a gorgeous Tibetan silver ring with two intricate ram heads in it- down a friend's toilet. Spoiler: I had taken the ring off at home and forgotten to put it back on.

Legitimately one of my darkest fears is being absurdly underdressed for an event. I always try to go for the 'one step up from the average' standard that is advised by people who will give you advice on how to dress for the job you want, not the shitty job you have. Even when it's nothing to do with jobs.

Attempted to lose my virginity w/ some liquid courage, actually just vomited on myself while naked and crying.

An emoticon is typed face, etc. made up with the qwerty keyboard like 0_O or ;D - which consist of several keys, for example, the "o" "_" and "O" typed together. An emoji is one of the little pictures - faces, symbols, etc. that your phone can do if you have the right keyboard downloaded, where instead of the…

My wife and I plan on getting a divorce around the time the kids are in middle school, just to give them a traditional upbringing. Wouldn't want them to grow up weird.

I think it's time to change " 41 percent of births these days are to unmarried mothers..." to "unmarried mothers and fathers". These women aren't asexually reproducing. And how are we carving out single mothers by choice which is a rapidly growing demographic?

wow i'd be a shitty wife.

Dick dungeon?

You're ...... an ..... idiot ....

everyone i know calls it schlicking... its like fapping for women. I like my colloquialized words for masturbation to be onomatopoeias

Nub rub.

I also didn't take the SATs. Nobody at school ever even mentioned college to me until my senior year and I didn't know about things like student loans, financial aid and community college. My counselor only cared about my absences. It took a lot of time with some big breaks in between, but I earned my BA a couple of…