I wonder how much penis Lance Berkman has crammed into that dumb mouth of his? Like most homophobes, he’s probably gobbling a transexual prostitute while you read this . . .

Even better: marijuana will be legal and widely available. Watching sports on grass —all sports—is incredible!

U mad, bro?

TL; DR: “I don’t know, do your own research. Maybe, maybe not.”

Thanks for another useful column. Next time, maybe you could just link to the Google search directly and not waste 1,000 words failing to answer the question.

Boxing used to be big, too. Champions were household names. That ended, and football’s going to end for similar reasons.

One big reason is the talent pool is going to dry up. Insuring children’s football is going to get extremely expensive. High school football will eventually break when it’s ruled child abuse—a whole…

How long until football is replaced by lacrosse? 20 years.

Yes, but there’s a Manga series in her attic that looks more hideous every year.

The only saving grace to that speech, which is mostly sesquipedalian flapdoodle, is admitting the insanity of “elite” lawyers’ lives:

Real hot take, Burneko. Maybe this is why Nick Denton sees his staffers as not ready for prime time. I’m sorry the crazy Republicans made you pee your panties, but if you’ve been paying attention, this is nothing new for the GOP, and none of these clowns will be elected. Now, get back in the kitchen and make me a…

Yeah, why would a professional fighter want to use cannabis, the world’s best and safest all-natural painkiller? Pop some pills until you’re addicted or your liver gives out.

But don’t you dare set a plant on fire and inhale. It’s against the rules, the totally fair and intellectually-unassailable rules.

Carly Fiorina repeated the oft-debunked lie that marijuana is a “gateway” drug.

The abused often love their abusers. “But he loves me,” the battered wife says. “He hit me—but it was my fault. I didn’t follow his rules, I made him angry.”

An incident like this exposes the truth about these men—thus, it does “sum up” their entire careers. Surface success overlaying corruption, rot, and the abuse of…

Bet this helps with recruiting . . . at FSU and Georgia!

Anyone who thinks this is cool should be okay with getting viciously chewed out by their boss in front of their entire office and in front of all of their family and friends. “You FUCKING DESERVED IT, you screwed up those TPS Reports!”

These chumps need to play more Madden. There are 12 year olds with better clock management skills. Guess all that time in the gym and on the field really does prevent the brain from developing certain skills.

Hey Deadspin Pussies: this is America. Get it right. The ONLY acceptable response to deviation from community-based Norms is OBSCENE VIOLENCE.

Wear the wrong-colored shirt? Ya get a BEATING.
Sit in the visiting team stands with your gf? Ya get a BEATING.
Snitch on the people who beat you up? Ya get a BEATING.

And don’t…

Camden Cty’s Head Coach, Welton E. Coffee II claims in his bio that he was “born again.” What he fails to mention is that he’s an abusive piece-of-shit.

Here are the names of the other asshole coaches: Greg Slattery; Dr. Byron Slack; Jereme Vendette; Derek Chastain; Ricky Huffy; Cedric A. Corse; William Larkin; Donald…

These people are fine, even fun.

Prosk and Burneko need to be kicked in the nuts. Get out of your junior high angst and relax, douchebags. Smoke more weed.

If you “break the rules” and they still hand you the trophy, you didn’t “break the rules,” you uncovered the secret, unwritten rules.

There’s no clearer sign of losers than wallowing in self-pity.

I know, right? Pretty kick ass when you’re kicking everyone’s ass! Shame y’all so inept you think this isn’t how the world works. Whatevs; tell yo’ girl tomorrow afternoon’s fine.

Guess you’re one of those men who like being cuckolded.