Awww, it’s so cute to hear the complaints of people who only bring knives to gun fights. Yes, the NFL is a Noble and Honorable league, filled only with Distinguished Gentlemen who never, ever would say a bad word about your mother or poke you in the eye at the bottom of the pile.

But if someone is going to play…

Aww, boo hoo hoo. Footbah, our MOST SACRED TRADITION—no one denies this!—has been tarnished fo’ever!

Let’s let the ‘ROID MONSTERS get back to giving each other concussions for our amusement.

That beard says Paedo.

How thirsty is Huckabee for that peen, right? When you hate on something so much, you really secretly LOVES IT. Huckabee so in the closet, he’s probably hooking up with three rent boys right now. Mike Huckabee: takes it on his face.

Off-season drama where the Commissioner fights the Pretty Boy Super Hero? This isn’t a problem, this is a RATINGS BONANZA.

The NFL isn’t some sacrosanct institution, “Deadspin Editorial Board.” It’s watching great athletes give each other concussions. This column was as smarmy as ESPN has gotten. Get back in the…

Funner fact: Luke describes her as “a woman of the city who was a sinner,” similar to how we might say “lady of the night” or “party girl.”

God bless all Sex Workers. It’s the world’s oldest profession because it meets a deep human need. Sex work should be legal, safe, tax-free, and anonymous. It’s nobody’s business other than the consenting adults involved.

Stigmatizing sex work is the first sign of sickness in society. Remember, Jesus’s wife used to turn…

0-16 this year, then they change the name in the offseason.

Washington Natives.
It’s perfect. Honors the Native American people and makes an elegant reference to how few people are really natives of this cursed metropolis. Besides, only people who live in the DMV are fans of this racist team.

It’s shocking that a homoerotic sport where steroid abusers give each other concussions is somehow not played by Gentlemen of the Finest Honour.

Murder a person?
Abuse a loved one?

But their work in the National Flower League is such loving, peaceful daisy-planting and group-singing, how could these men, brought up in…

Let’s not just blame walking pile of shit Bud Foster, but beloved head coach and possible pedophile Frank Beamer, associate head coach and potential goat-blower and nepotism receiver Shane Beamer, the very offensive coordinator Scot Loeffler, dumbass bagmen Bryan Stinespring, Chuck Cantor, Bruce Garnes, Thomas Guerry…

Dude, physical attractiveness comes in many forms, and you don’t need to look like a beefcake movie star. If you want to be approached, look approachable: happy, positive, cheerful.

Keeping yourself fit will help, and remember, being fit isn’t about attracting deh ledies, it’s simply good for you. If your goal is…

Ted Cruz is the Canadian of Cuban descent running for the Republican Presidential Nomination. He’s famous for many things, including for, in college:

sucks to be you, dude. what do you think you’ve been doing wrong, Senator Cruz?

Step One is stop thinking you need to hit on women anywhere and everywhere you might be. Trust: there’s no point in “hitting on” a woman; if a woman wants you to talk to her, she will make it very, very clear that she wants you to talk to her.

And if you want that to happen, (a) get some hobbies/interests/passions all…

The dude was convicted by a Texas jury. What’s your excuse now?

Push Bernie Sanders? Yeah, I’m sure the Independent-Socialist really needs the lecture on social justice and the “right direction.”

The GOP isn’t talking about Black Lives at all. But sure, don’t March on Selma. It’s much easier to protest on 125th Street.

I know, that’s why MLK had parades through Harlem and Anacostia and never bothered with Selma.

It’s nice that Black Lives Matter has been talking/shouting to the people already on their side. Looking forward to them taking that message to the Trump, Rubio, Walker, Fiorina, Carson, Kasich, Christie etc. campaigns. It’s the people in those audiences who need to hear it and see it!

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I know, right? I mean, pensions and a living wage for line workers made it nearly impossible for all those GM and Chrysler execs to afford their mansions in Grosse Pointe—they couldn’t even afford to take a bus to the Congressional bailout hearings so they all had to fly their own private jets.