I am also a heterosexual male

This is really sub-par trolling. And it’s past your bedtime.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

*rubs eyes* Weekend BCO? WEEKEND BCO!!!

Oh yes, that is definitely the face of someone who should carry weapons and enforce the peace.

Judge Brown, shade right? White and square to the third power.

They should sell little tiny sugary babies made from caramel and cocoa and call them Princess Charcolates.

Look on the bright side: you’re toilet trained!

I’m sure Charlotte is going to be completely adorable, but right now my favorite baby princesses are in Sweden.

My husband is an attorney and had instructed me to NEVER take a breathalyzer if I have had so much as cough syrup. He says that unless you are 100% sure your BAL is dead zero, refuse anything but a blood test.

They are out there. I married one. They do exist. 13 yrs so far and we are still in love. Don't give up. Don't settle.

...and a new level of lazy, too.

“When Michelle and I came into office....”

I can’t even with this guy today.

“Buying this Barbie jeep is the craaaaaaziest thing I’ve ever done! So cool! And crazy!”

I would not mind. I’d redo some major decisions and be in a better place at 35.

I think of her less as heroic and more as kind of...trashy.

There’s a Tara in every college class. She never shuts up about how crazy she is.

2005? Oh shit you guys, I’m from 10 years in the future and I have to tell you...shit gets worse. Take all of your money out of the market in 2007, you’ll thank me.