"No AV Club commenterS."

For the record, Donkey Kong Country 2 is the best Donkey Kong game.

Seriously, that's some fucking excellent avatar/comment/article synergy right there.

Weirdly, it even sounds like this rips off one of the F&F movies. That bit about the bank sounds exactly like a scene in Fast Five.

What happened with him?

They may have just had Johnny Depp slip him something at the wrap party for the new Pirates.

No capes!

I definitely thought they were going to go with a Subway joke at the end when they first said "sandwich restaurant." I'm not sure if I thought the White Castle twist was funny or not, but points to them for weirdness, at least.

A lot of mobile games do soft launches in just one or two countries to work out the bugs before the main release; I'm guessing that's what's going on here.

When I was a kid, I used to think that people called into radio shows by talking into the speakers, because cell phones weren't much of a thing yet. I also thought radios were only in cars, and that the car's air vents were the speakers.

Do those not both come with the subscription?

There's a dirty joke in there somewhere, but I can't quite pull it out.

You've gotta admit, it's impressive how many different positions he can do with his junk on his face.

I'm inclined to think they would have abandoned him sooner rather than later. Though maybe I'm just cynical.

Here is a list of 12 reasons.

I'm just imagining a long montage of things implausibly hiding his paunch, like that long nudity-censorship montage in Austin Powers.

Isn't that ironic.

I don't get that joke and I'm pretty grateful for that.

I feel like a lot of this season's new shows were working on assumptions that didn't pan out.

*shoots ExpressionExcession in kneecap*