Just gonna guess that the presenters at Hollyscoop aren't getting by on their hard-hitting journalistic prowess.

I hate people who put "the" in front of names. The only one who gets to do that is Snookie, because I'm pretty sure she's the only one. Thank god.

I believe he was the little guy on Fantasy Island who went "Da plane! Da plane!" And then he shot himself.

"And what did you mean when said you wanted to, quote, 'Knock the bottom out dat ass'? End quote."

"So your dad really did kill JFK? Wow! I thought I made that up!"

He's certainly a fraudulent male. Because of his tiny hands and penis.

Can you imagine how much white people must have lost their minds when Jackie Robinson made an error?

The only scandal was that he didn't ask for it from an old white man in a fancy car while he himself was inside a fancy car. There are protocols for these types of things, dammit!

It certainly seems like a cock writes most of his tweets, doesn't it?

Buy my book! Buy my book! Buy my book!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Buy my book!

*Donald Duck sues for copyright infringement*

I dunno… have you ever heard "Durian Fedora"?

I imagine when he dies and the mortician's chipping away at Trump's spray tan, it's gonna burst open and a million tiny spiders will come spilling out. All of them saying "Tremendous" repeatedly.

Is that a euphemism for his penis? Because if so… I don't think it'd reach the pole. You'd just have to superglue his pelvis to it.

I heard a comedian tell a story about Christopher Hewett sitting on his balls during a taping. Honestly, he didn't even have to tell the whole story. All I heard was "Mr. Belvedere sat on his balls" and I was already on the floor laughing my ass off.

They successfully rip off their white undershirts only to realize that was actually their pasty skin.

NO! We do NOT want to see Trump's thong! Take it back! Some of us are trying to drink heavily in the late afternoon here, for crying out loud!

"I want complete loyalty."

"Uhh… this is your captain speaking. I seem to have made a slight boo-boo here and veered approximately eighty-four miles off course. Also my sippy cup broke open and spilled on the instrument panel. So we are definitely lost and flying blind. But in my defense, it IS my first day he-"

Reminded me of that Dave Chappelle bit where his white friend got pulled over for racing another car.