Plot twist: Pence isn't using his hands to hold it. He just really likes the Bible that much.

Dude, not cool. I'm pretty sure that's how the Korean War started.

And if you can't get impeached for having eyes like an orangutan's asshole then what CAN you get impeached for really?

I know, right? I'm practically Pope Francis over here what with all the booze and the drugs and carjacking old ladies and getting shot in the nuts by Robocop and whatnot.

I'm sure we'll hear about it eventually like we "eventually" heard about Melania's anti-cyber bullying efforts.

Too bad she turned out to be such a LOSER! AMIRITE GUYS?!? SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I USED THE VOCABULARY OF AN EIGHT YEAR OLD TO SOUND PRESIDENTIAL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-

*imagines Trump with his tongue frozen to a flagpole for the duration of his term*

Of course he'll testify under oath. That's never stopped any of his cabinet picks from lying.

*Benadryl releases a new ad*

Yeah… the whole "Why can't you treat a closed investigation the same way you'd treat an open investigation" parallels baffled me as well. Think it's time for grandpa to go to a home so he can spend his days face-fucking apple sauce and watching Matlock with watery eyes.

You use Twitter for porn? Pfft. That seems obtuse.

Back in my day, we didn't chicken out with stuff like this. If we wanted to subtweet somebody, we'd just passively-aggressively put their children down during Thanksgiving dinner. LIKE REAL AMERICANS!

I'd love to go up to Eric Trump and start jabbing a finger into his quasi-Eric Stoltz from Mask face.

Lincoln's response: "What the fuck is an email? Did you have a stroke or something?"

Hannity don't mess around with that devil shit. He's going right to the source: Jesus.

It's what the right does every time you bring up something they don't like but can't defend. It's all "HER EMAILS!" and "OBAMA'S A MUSLIM!" and "WHY DOES MY TOASTER KEEP TELLING ME TO KILL MY NEIGHBORS WITH A WEEDWHACKER!?!?"

John McCain became Robert Smigel's impersonation of Bob Dole so slowly nobody really even noticed.

McCain: Would it be fair for me to talk about Hillary Clinton's emails for the duration of my speaking time?

This… this right here? This is amazing.

Fair enough! Hope you enjoy it!