I’m more surprised by the Titans.

This is quite the nadir for Summit.

He makes a strong point. Everybody thinks Aspirin is harmless. But I remember one time I took an Aspirin and ended up driving erratically with briefcase with $29,000 in cash and a bunch of bottles of Aspirin. I was even charged with a DUI. They need to put a warning label on that stuff.

The question really just came out wrong. What he meant to ask was:

Prosecutor: “Now Mr. Pierre-Paul, is the man who tweeted your medical records in the courtroom today?”

“In college, I was up under this microscope everywhere I went.”

In college, I could try to do that, and no matter what, it would mean something, but everyone just wanted something from me. Give me that, Jameis, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Hey Kirk, remember when I was laying odds on how quick we were gonna get this comment?

Count the motherfucking clauses in that sentence. Forget the horrifying shit show that was the topic, any editor who let that damn clusterfuck out the door should be fired on the spot for that alone.

The federal budget deficit has declined every year from 2009 to 2015 already.

I wish I could find a metaphor for how little Johnny Football changed before/after rehab...

Nah. Throw his ass in jail. He’s not mentally ill, he’s just a young, dumb, entitled asshole who won’t deal with his drinking issues. He had his shot to deal with it, instead he abused a woman. Now it’s time he is told what to do for a while.

The difference between you girlfriend telling everyone about your small dick and her posting a picture of it on Facebook.

I don’t have any friends. Stop making assumptions, dipshit.

I believe this one the most because it has the biggest letters and none of those little dots that make the words stop so I can think about it.

“Sluts it up”

On the nights she wants it rough, she tells him she believes in evolution.

Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.