Fauci, the CDC and many others told us weeks ago that we’re going to see “two Americas” - and here they are. This LA county story is swamping covid reporting and causing people to become excessively paranoid, despite the statements deeper into the articles, which remind us that if you have the vaccine, you are safe.…

Never ate at Panda Express, don’t care about meatless creations but I will say this: I recently purchased a Panda Express orange sauce at the market to use at home and that shit is vile. It literally makes me cough. Can’t get it down. What the holy fuck? How is anyone eating that?

Work sucks. People suck. Customers can be assholes and customers can be terrific, friendly, kind and patient. Lots of jobs are backbreaking and awful. You could be a coal miner. You could be a house cleaner. You could be the guy who wipes Jeff Bezos’ asshole. Use your imagination. I used to work 12 to 14 hour days…

Good luck playing food poisoning roulette. Gotta say, I’m usually the first one to eye-roll online hype about... well, pretty much anything doom and gloom. If you never had food poisoning, you might be cavalier about what you shove into your mouth. One experience with it is enough to end that carefree attitude. And,…

What you really need to know about the Perseids:

“I’m on the phone, asshole,” should work. Likewise: “I’m taking a dump, dude, I need to focus here,” as well as “Busy here, can’t talk,” and “Holy fuck, do you ever shut up?”

You’ll have flowers to cut during the growing season, is the better way to say it. And starting seeds indoors in winter is... yeah, no one is going to do that. Let’s just be real. So if you plant seeds outside directly in the soil or pots (I do both), you’ll get your flowers, just don’t think it will be massive…

These two are not DUDES. Not in any way, shape or form. They do not deserve to be referred to as dudes. These are not men. They are assholes and only assholes, quivering sphincters from which shit pours out in endless gobs and streams. Again, NOT MEN, NOT DUDES.

No Samantha = I don’t have time for this shit.

So, the little brush that comes with them requires too much work but using the little brush that comes with them is the first suggestion. Uh... Moving on...

English Ivy isn’t too bad. Just chop it if you need to. It can take a long time to grow depending on the sun conditions. Wisteria can be ridiculously difficult to keep looking good but when it works, it’s glorious. Clematis have so many varieties that you really need to research what you are buying. Not all will grow…

Oh, yes, yes, of course - we need to gently and lovingly “understand” idiots. We should coddle flat earthers as well, and I’m personally eager to enable any phrenologists I happen to encounter (I’m still waiting, but fingers crossed)! Open your hearts to people who haven’t spared a moment to glance at science. You’ll…

Eh. It’s a case by case basis, now as it ever was. I puzzle at the people holding hands as they shop in Walmart. I mean... Walmart. Nothing noteworthy offensive about it but at the same time, it’s offensive because holy shit, just get the Hamburger Helper and get out, you’re blocking the aisle. Deep tonguing is rare…

Let’s hope Goldblum can give the show the kick in the ass it needs after the last abysmal season. 

When I was a kid, the drive-in concession stand sold Milk Shake candy bars frozen on a stick. Mom loved them and got me into them as well. It took a few minutes for them to get just slightly thawed enough to bite but of course you could just start sucking on the chocolate first. A few other candy bars made their way…

In addition to a birdbath, I used to keep a decorative bowl filled with water inset into gravel in a pretty area that was safe and secluded. Squirrels, rabbits and some birds would drink from it, the birds being ones who were already pecking around for feed on the ground. My “proper” birdbath requires a safe location…

Get over yourself - this is all about you and your desire to provoke rage and get clicks. Independence AND freedom from the virus are very real. I stayed locked up for a year to protect my aged family. I wore a mask, saw no friends, gave up sex, raced through shopping trips, sanitized more than I needed to, spent days…

A 48 hour soak and double bagging, huh? LOL. Yeah, that’ll happen, just like concerned citizens go back to Bourbon Street and Canal Street to clean up after Mardis Gras.

Alas, I found it mostly dull. Necessary enlightenment aside, it failed to combine that with the monster fest it promised.

A nice idea with a million ways to personalize it - I’ll be trying some variations over the summer.