you can hide a lot of lies in a GIANT TURTLENECK

They should call it Hot Ham-Stew.

Here you go:

He deserves to be punched in the face with a Kia.

A whiteness of teenage girls ordering frappuccinos.

I like crows, maybe not as much as some of the other corvidae, but still cool. I looked up what you call swans, who are basically narcissistic assholes, and your choices are herd or whiteness...

I could read an endless supply of these.

I could—and might—do a third week of these things. We’ll see. I get easily twice as many Terrible Customer submissions as any other subject matter.

This comment is everything wrong with America.

“Her smooshed up face looked like a eager slice of wet ham”

Why hasn’t it occurred to these people that there are all sorts of things they could plant on their lawns that don’t require that much water.

Okay, thank you, because I could not figure out what the hell that thing was. My first thought it was a 3D printer creating a penis. I don’t know why that was my first thought but it was. I have issues.

Expecting a new baby? How passe. I prefer old babies. Old babies give you a Werther’s Original and then take you out to dinner at the buffet at 4 o’clock.

You're a genius. Some engineer needs to start working on a way to make this happen immediately. We can call it the cunt pump.

I like how “with Kanye” is specified.

Here comes lil Beyoncé West!

Instead of tossing the bouquet, I handed it to my good friend who was getting married a few months after me, and had everyone toast her and her fiancé. She took the ribbon and little jewel pins from my bouquet and had them incorporated into her bouquet, then did the same thing I did, handed her bouquet off to her…

My friends did a cat toss instead—they threw a stuffed cat into the whole assembled crowd and the person to catch it was supposed to be the next person to get a cat.

Boss: Can you stay late and finish up that forecast file?
Me: I have to go home and write some letters.

Friend: Are you coming to my gender reveal party?
Me: I have to go home and write some letters.

Father: I’d like you to come to breakfast to meet my new girlfriend.
Me: I have to go home and write some letters.

YUP. It…