Mayo is supposed to be boring and neutral. Miracle Whip is disgusting and ruins everything.

I know if I get really sick, I’d rather go to the zesty Miracle Whip Clinic instead of the boring old Mayo Clinic.

You forgot the Puppetry of the Penis episode! Instant classic. 

ur so wrong... sometimes i click off pornhub just so i can play the clown sex episode over in my head from memory

I call it The Dunking Doughnut.

What’s dumb about You have my sympathies?

No. Just no. Don’t impose yourself on other people’s private lives even if you’re in the South. Perhaps especially not then.

But I didn’t want to ask since that might be rude. Plus what if he’s not dead? So I just didn’t acknowledge his absence at all.

Put it in Le Creuset and call it a terrine and slappy here would eat it like his life depended on it.

Dear Salty Waitress: How do I conduct basic human interaction?

I started doing this a few years ago when I had gin, tonic and no ice. I also had no ambition to go out and purchase ice, nor the patience to wait for the freezer to do its job. I did, however, have a box of popsicles, so I broke out a lime frozen treat and used that to stir my drink and busted it up to use as ice. It…

The Earth reaches through the foundation and the subfloor and the linoleum, but it won’t reach through socks or shoes. Unless they’re leather soled shoes, I guess, and wool or cotton socks. Oh, and obviously, buildings with a basement are unhealthy, because you’re dangling precariously over an open void that…

+5 for Ruthless People.

I find it funny that these get nixed quick but the idiot last week who was “outraged” because they wouldn’t let her dog eat with her at a restaurant actually got a response longer then “Shut the fuck up”

Singlehandedly? Suuuure.

I think they confuse Earth Energy with worms and other parasites. Also broken glass.

We live in a post-fact, post-science age. With the Internet, every 22 year old dipshit thinks they know as much as anyone else. Holocaust: An opinion. Earth’s shape: Just an opinion. Whether vaccines or not wearing shoes is better at preventing measles: You guessed it! OPINION!

I’m mostly offended that someone would have a black coffee with whipped cream on top.  That is some top-level bullshit right there.  You, sir, are lucky that they didn’t throw you out for flaunting your perversions in public.

“Out of pocket” has meant “unavailable” for more than 100 years. Both uses are acceptable.