The author’s not aware of too many things, he knows what he knows, if you know what I mean?

I still have the parrot.

Matched with a cute guy on a Tinder. He had a shirtless mirror selfie which is usually a hard pass for me, but he seemed sweet/nerdy so I talked to him. He tells me he was heavy growing up and really awkward with women. I’m thinking “This guy doesn’t realize he’s hot.” I’m sick that week and home so we talk a ton and F…

Late to this party but chiming in anyway: In high school, I was thrilled to be asked to the homecoming dance by one of the star football players. The plan was to meet up after the game, then head to the gym for the dance. When I got to our designated meeting place, I was surprised to see that his entire family—mom,…

My parrot started imitating her moaning as she was going down on me. She starts laughing uncontrollably and I never got to finish. 

This guy took me to the restaurant his family owned. I guess he thought he’d impress me by being a total dick to the wait staff. Snapping his fingers, berating them. At one point he wanted them to line up so he could inspect them. I wanted to crawl under the table. It was obvious they hated him. He didn’t tip.

Bad tinder date: Guy did not tell me he was legally blind (not important but is relevant to this next part), so, as a result, he informed he needed to sit VERY close to my face so he could see me WHILE HE HAD THE FLU. So here is this guy, sitting intentionally close to my face, while he has the plague, coughing and…

I already contributed, but I’m writing another one where *I* was the horror on the first date.

I thought it was a clever pun around his being a bay horse. 

Right!? Hot, funny, sexy accent. PLUS secretly sensitive (caring for his grandfather before he died) AND did a lot of emotional growth (recognizing arrangement was wrong.) Patrick Verona deserves way more than 6/10. 

You have done a great disservice to Heath Ledger/Patrick Verona here, and I will not stand for it!

You’ll need to connect the dots there.

I’m honestly as tired as the “John McCain was a terrible terrible person who no one should say nice things about” pieces as the “John McCain was last of a rare and noble breed of American statesmen” pieces. Dude died just yesterday, and in my universe, it’s still poor manners to interrupt other people’s mourning with…

For the TL, DR crowd: yep, McCain was a standard-issue Republican/fucking asshole. And a far bigger piece of shit in person than  his PR machine ever let on.

#neverforget

Yes, if there’s one thing we all know about classic sitcom character Roseanne, it’s her love of Israel. It’s part of why she ended every single episode with the line, “Go die in a strip club dumpster, Darlene! Hooray for Israel!” Then she’d spit and the credits would roll. Only 90's kids remember!

Man, and I thought Chuck was an asshole. 

This is an odd criticism. We are not supposed to care about Carol and Barb or feel sympathy for them. They symbolize the true difference between a minimum and a maximum prison.

Poorn Hub, the Swedish sex video site.

Didn’t take long to find the worst take ever.