My wife and I plan on getting a divorce around the time the kids are in middle school, just to give them a traditional upbringing. Wouldn't want them to grow up weird.

You should not drink while breastfeeding. Not for any reasons having to do with the baby's health, but because if you go out drinking with friends and lose track of time, next thing you know your boob is leaking and you have a massive milk stain on your shirt that all your male co workers who invited you out for…

I wish I could stand Amanda Palmer because I love Neil Gaiman so much.

YES THIS. I SHOULD BE ANGRY AND I AM BUT THEY ARE SO GODDAMN CUTE I WANT ONE.

You would think! But this is America, where we drag science to the bathroom and give it a swirly.

It probably explains why I grew up to watch Investigation Discovery shows about murder nonstop: I miss my childhood.

more like queen of diamond nipples ;)

THEORY: Ariana Grande medically *must* be carried everywhere like a baby because she got her ponytail from the same place Tobias Funke did.

I'm guessing he was one of those executive chefs who really doesn't do shit.

Right? Do they have Zabar's receipts for eyes? Woody Allen DVDs where their mouths should be? Head-to-toe Lincoln Center tattoos? Nonstop complaints about the 1? What's the tell?

Well shit, now they have to re-write the whole fifth season of Downton Abbey.

Wash your dirty mouth with soap before attacking Andre, you classicist!

Maybe. But I really think "Sea Muppet" would be a better name for that guy.

Word. If I'm getting a Martini, the brand of gin makes a huge difference. If I'm getting a Gin Tonic, not so much...

This'll be fascinating focus testing.

I don't believe that Chicago exists. I have never been there; no one I know has ever been there (except for my friend Jackie who changed planes at O'Hare, but she said it was real snowy so it could have been a different airport covered in white paint); "Chicago" is a funny word and "City of Broad Shoulders" rings real…

My suggestion for the next big traffic improvement in the NY metro area: The Staten Island Bypass.

Are you saying it's Schrödinger's Poop?

I'm lucky, my parents and inlaws get along very well and we generally all just want to stuff ourselves, play with the babies and lie around watching movies. But my mother relates the Thanksgiving of 1961, when my great-grandmother came to dinner.