or rather, never start smoking, people.

It’s been 5 days, and by now I only fantasize about stabbing one of my employees like once a day, tops. NEVER START SMOKING PEOPLE

Super cheap doubles are also a great thing at airports. We so lg/sm wine at my airport bar

Jesus. I’m quitting smoking, and I still don’t think I have the rage to hit a customer with a hammer. A roll of bread, maybe. I could probably snap and beat someone with a baguette, but a hammer?

I know, but I just wanted to pretend for a moment that the world was a good place where nice things happen. A world without Paul Ryan, for instance.

This is all I have. Good riddance

But...why? I assume people who are buying 2k designer purses have an idea of style...wait, is this irony? IS THIS WHAT THE HIPSTER HAS WROUGHT?

Yeah. That’s what’s wrong with this purse. :-)

I watch her skin cream infomercial several times a month (waiting for food.network to start at my restaurant), and my biggest problem with her is the weird, shared opinion that food is like skin. Like, yo, that bread dough is cracking because it’s bread dough that’s been drying for a week. Your skin is not bread…

I’ve already decided on Poland if trump happens

I listened to in the heights obsessively for a year before I saw it, so I will probably do the same here. But I adore lin-manuel and I want all of his babies, so...

Lol. I need to come up with a romantic proposal story for our kids, because “zales called to say the ring was ready when he left the phone on the couch while taking a dump, so I got him drunk and made him give it to me” doesn’t have that certain something.

Lol, if he gave her a ring, I hope it was already on. I know I would have dropped it in the attempts to not, you know, drown.

Are there no prisons, no poorhouses? The poor must go there.

Not gonna lie, I’ve thought about calling in dead. I did once, to my shame, call in that I’d been in a car accident and was on the side of the road with the police. I now have much skepticism when my employees call out weirdly.

OMG something about restaurants brings out the dumbest in people. The douche potatoes reminds me of this kid, Jake, who was nominally very smart, a business student at the local highly ranked university. One day, I heard him announcing the soup of the day to a coworker, “seafood cuzzy!” I laughed and said, oh, yeah,…

Garmies replaced by futuristic secret spacesuits you wear under your clothes!

As someone who has worked in a gay bar, we.never gave a fuck if people were straight up hetero making out, except when they had sex in the nasty bathrooms. Lol, if we had kicked them out because THIS IS A GAY BAR, AND YOU CAN STAY AND DRINK, BUT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE ESTABLISHMENT...I don’t even know

I’ve got some PTO coming up, let's do it

No matter how many times I put fucked in my dictionary, it always thinks somehow, maybe this time, ducked makes more sense. Sigh.