I was driving through my hometown
I was just kinda killin' time
When I seen a face staring out of a black velvet painting
From the window of the five and dime
I couldn't quite recall the name
But the pose looked familiar to me
So I asked the salesgirl "Who was that man
Between the doberman and Bruce Lee ?"
She said…

You've just seen
the heart stoppin',
pants droppin',
earth shockin',
hard rockin',
booty shakin',
earth quakin',
love makin',
Viagra takin',
history makin',
testifying,
death-defying,
legendary,
BRUCE JOB, INTERNET GIMMICK COMMENTER!

Friday night's paynight, commenters fresh out of work
Talkin' bout the weekend, scrubbing off the dirt
Some guys are heading to their families, some looking to get hurt
Some guys trolling out at Breitbart with trouble on their shirts.

I got a sixty-nine Chevy with a 396
Fuelie heads and a Hurst on the floor
She's waiting tonight down in the docking bay
Outside the Mos Eisley cantina
Me and my partner Chewie built her straight out of scratch
And he rides with me from system to system
We only run for the money got no strings attached
We shut 'em up and then…

Well I got this guitar and I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
From your doof wagon to my front seat

Everybody's got a secret, son
Something that they just can't face
Some folks spend their whole lives trying to keep it
They carry it with them every step that they take

Hey little ensign with them blue jeans on
Wanna Riker with you baby til half past dawn
Let your hair down sugar and pick up this beat
Come on and meet me tonight down on Holodeck C

Now some folks say it’s too big and uses too much gas
Some folks say it’s too old and that it nags too fast
But this role was bigger than Scirocco, it’s bigger than VW

Now I know Mrs. Voorhees she don’t like me `cause I play in a rock and roll band
And I know that Jason he don’t dig me but he never did understand

Last night I heard your voice
You were singing in Swedish, you were so alone
You said your love had never died
You were waiting for me at home
Put on my jacket, I ran through the woods
I ran till I thought my chest would explode
There in the clearing, beyond the highway
In the moonlight, Swedish folk music streamed

Now if you're lookin' for a hero
Someone to save the day
Well darlin' my feet
They're made of clay
But I've got something in my soul
And I wanna give it up
But gettin' up the quotes
Gettin' up the quotes
Gettin' up the quotes is a man's man's job
Commenting's a man's job baby
Commenting's a man's job
Commenting's a man's job…

I got a job in sales
I bought a shirt uptown in Bloomingdales
And girl I tried to make the latest scene
Hip and cool, just like Don Draper

Screen door slams, Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch as the radio play
Taylor Swift, singing for the lonely
Hey, that's me, and I want you only.

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22

When the night’s quiet and you don’t care anymore,
And your arms are tired and there’s a Great Job Internet! at your door
And you realize you wanna let go

I met Wanda when she was employed
At the casino in Tunica Mississippi
Eatin Twinkies on the front seat, she’s sittin’ in my lap
We’re wipin’ our fingers on a Texaco road map
I remember Wanda up on twinkie eating hill
With them hydrogenated vegetable oils that make your heart stand still

Now those spirits come back to haunt me, they haunt me like a curse
Is a sequel a lie if it don’t come true
Or is it something worse

I said “I’m hurt” she said “Bill Murray can heal it”
And we danced all night to a soul fairy band
And she kissed me just right like only a lonely angel can
She felt just right just like as sweet as a spirit in the night
In the night baby don’t know what she do to you
Spirits in the night, in the night
Stand up now and let…

I got nothin’ but hard blue sky and sunshine
The things you left behind
I wake to find Minecraft's gone to black
The days just keep on fallin’
Your voice it keeps on callin’
I’m gonna dig right here until I get you back
The fires keep on burning, I’m here with you in the cold
Down in the hole

So I bought a .44 magnum it was solid steel cast
And in the blessed name of Seinfeld well I just let it blast
‘Til my laptop lay in pieces there at my feet
And they busted me for disturbing the almighty peace
Judge said “What you got in your defense son?”
“Fifty-seven great job internet posts and nothin’ on”