Not knowing who you are makes me double-secret cool.

Don't feel smug. That just means you never saw the one good Lindsay Lohan movie.

I love him, but I'm fairly certain Bill Clinton has never opted out of one bang in his entire life.

Here is an actual FB post of mine from a few months ago—

The spokesmodel opened the passenger side door for her, so she got in. It's also better on camera to get in on the side of the audience - they can see her in it better.

Well it was the closer side, and the women from the show also opened that door. I'm just surprised she was even still standing :-)

And then reapply that admission to your mocking Tina Turner's abuse at the hands of Ike, while you're at it.

...wh-what? Beyonce is a fallible human being surrounded by people who generally tell her everything she does is brilliant, and is (nearly) unconditionally lauded by the media for her creativity and fame on a regular basis, and she did something dumb?

Nope, sorry B.

100% of the time I see or hear the name "Dwyane Wade," I visualize Dwayne Wayne.

Dat ass!

Every year, my youngest cousin just asks for his gift to be 4 random CDs that I have to pick out from HMV. This has been going on since he was 14 and I decided he should listen to more than just Marilyn Manson on repeat. Started with The Cure's Greatest Hits, The Jesus and Mary Chain's Psychocandy, NIN's The Downward…

My dad got me the Hyperbole and a Half book, my mom got me the food processor I asked for and the urtext piano score for Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata (which I have a really old, falling apart copy of, but am trying to learn the piece and haven't been able to find all of the pages), my sister got me a bunch of…

My mom is some kind of bubble-junkie, and I got her the SodaStream two years ago...ever since then I've been jealously coveting it. DAMN do I want one. I want to make bubbly sweet tea and drink it all summer long.

Not the same guy. The guy you're thinking of is Uncle Si, who I can't say for sure doesn't harbor prejudicial and bigoted views, but who I do kind of love? He's a Vietnam Vet with a sweet-tea problem and who's always singing the wrong lyrics to pop songs. That particular scene followed Phil (the embroiled patriarch)…

Dear people who hate gay people because they find butt sex squicky -

Yeah, I skipped over all the Beyonce stuff. It was so long.

As a white feminist, there's nothing that you can say, and no rhetorical position that you can take, regarding Beyonce, that will not be offensive to non-white feminists. It's probably best to say nothing at all.