Emily whatsherface had a bit part in Gone Girl as Ben Affleck’s side piece.

I need that pink dress in every color but pink.

As a permanently fat person, I’m grateful to see this modicum of body diversity on TV. Not everyone looks like Ashley Graham (it, all tits and ass and a flat stomach - the good kind of fat). I didn’t have any fashion role models until I started watching This is Us.

Because I write letters including confidential information like social security numbers and there’s no way in hell I’m putting that in the cloud.

I’d probably put my eye out with the mascara or something.

Dove or Irish Spring, because I’m too goddamn lazy to have a separate face soap, and my skin is in good shape so I don’t need anything special.

How the fuck is getting a raise losing? Are all you assholes rich? Give me your money. Mama needs groceries.

It does for me. I don’t wear makeup of any kind. Not even lotion (not for moral reasons or anything, I’m just lazy). I wash my face with bar soap (COME AT ME) and water, and that’s pretty much it in terms of what I do to my face-skin. No one has *ever* complained to me or called me unprofessional or whatever. And I…

My husband and I went out of town for a few days. We hired someone to come hang out with our cat Louie twice a day because he’s a needy bastard who loves to be around people and likes to puke in his food bowl. When we came home yesterday, Louie yelled at me for a solid hour before falling asleep on my arm. If he…

#TeamFlannelNightgown

I’ve tasted Trump wine. It’s SO BAD, you guys.

My husband and I had to stop watching after we realized it switched from fantastical to aspirational.

I’m so glad we’re not having a rehearsal dinner. We’re treating our bridal party to the best sandwiches on the planet instead. Primanti Brothers, yo. Everything’s delicious and nothing’s more than $9.00.

My sister lost a baby at 12 weeks, the day after she had started telling people. She had to have a D&C because the miscarriage was incomplete. Without it she could have died.

Fuck you so hard, Arkansas.

I was really hoping this was the beginning of a zoo animal uprising. :-(

I took this advice so seriously I married a librarian.

My cat is SO UPSET by this video. He’s frantically searching my laptop for the other cats. My dog, who is afraid of cats, is shaking a little bit.

That explains why my little shithead is worse than usual lately. My right arm is covered in “Mommy are you awake Mommy wake up Mommy FEED ME” scratches. And it doesn’t help that we went away for a few days without him and that always means at least a week of punishment for me.

While we were gone he randomly puked…

Well shit, I was gonna tell people to use their shirts. I guess that’s a little too casual, huh?

HOLD THE FUCK UP. I have to care about NAPKINS?? What on earth for?