If you play “Complicated” backwards, you can clearly hear John Lennon saying “I buried Avril” over and over.

A few years ago someone who was either a dealer, a hooker, or both gave out my number as their own. Some dude texted me thinking I was Lola, and claimed Lola had given him my phone number on Facebook. Then, every day for a week, around the same time every day, I got a call that went like this:

“Hello?”
“Who’s this?”
“You…

To be fair, I had the same ass boil for several years in my 20s and once it gave me a fever so high I hallucinated. But I’m sure he had enough money to treat his ass boil before it became a life-threatening emergency.

Oh god I once had a huuuuge crush on a bartender at my first FOH job. One weekend night a couple of my friends came by and had a shift beer with me, and I made the mistake of telling them I wanted to bone the bartender. One of my friends got up and essentially asked him out for me. I was so mortified I paid my tab and…

Boyfriend read the last story while I was on the phone with my mom. He literally had to bite his shirt to stop from laughing loud enough to disrupt the call. Five internet points for everyone involved.

I have a family nickname that no one who isn’t a blood relative is allowed to use. Boyfriend knows not to call me that or even mention it to other people. I am VERY serious about it. That is a line no one crosses.

When I was in high school there were two Jennifer Nelsons in my class, and they both looked so much alike that we couldn’t even say “dark-haired Jennifer” or “tall Jennifer.” Poor girls.

Okay, so I’m not going to actually share my name, because I’m literally the only person with my full name in the world. I will say this. I live in the US and my parents are Israeli. My name is Hebrew and it’s not like, Rebecca/Rivka Hebrew. It’s uncommon even in Israel and 100% of people I meet outside of Jewish…

Depending on how you count things, I’ve slept with anywhere from 4 to 7 times as many people as my boyfriend has. I think the only thing that bothers him about that is his number being so low. But while he was busy being married to his first wife, I was busy being a slut*. He’s not married anymore and I’m not a slut…

I don’t like diamonds. Boyfriendo knows this. For my birthday/our anniversary (which are three weeks apart), he got me a not-quite-engagement ring, blue topaz in a silver filigree setting. I’m hoping the actual e-ring will be a garnet.

Mark, would you mind capitalizing “Jew” in the second paragraph? Thanks!

My entire name is nine letters long. It’s all spelled phonetically, but my first name is Hebrew (and not like Rebecca is Hebrew, it’s pretty rare even in Israel) and my last name is Persian, so this of course means that no one bothers to try to pronounce it correctly. After 31 years I thought I’d heard every possible…

Marginally relevant, but I happen to know a white-skinned black person. They are albino and pretty badass.

Literally my least favorite thing about the South is people calling me Miss Firstname. Even my fucking peers. Every time it happens I very firmly say “I do not like being called Miss Firstname and you have to stop.” It doesn’t work.

Boyfriend sometimes refers to me as Miss Firstname to his dog (I inherited the dog with…

I’m Chris Christie, which makes sense, because I too am a fat loudmouth from New Jersey.

I have no formal medical training, but thanks to two years as a volunteer at a free clinic, even I know how to use a stethoscope (and take a pulse, and check blood pressure). These are good skills to have, no matter what your profession!

The picture of Ahmed under arrest is almost bringing me to tears right now. He looks just like one of my nephews who’s the same age. Gah. I hate everything.

This happened to me once. Every few minutes I would slide the check closer and closer to the head person. I finally got them to leave by putting the check in the head person’s hands and saying “Thanks so much for coming in today! Come back soon!”

They did not tip adequately for taking up a prime booth for so long…

Oh god, I remember this one couple who wanted to pray over my wrist because I wore a carpal tunnel brace. After they signed the check, one of them said, “I pray the lord heals your hand.” I replied, “I’m less concerned about the lord than the surgeon.”

There was another family who complained to a manager because they…

Toward the beginning of my undergraduate social work education, we all had to go to the local Holocaust museum to learn about oppression and whatnot. I’m Jewish and Israeli, and have been to pretty much every major Holocaust museum on earth at this point, thanks to my slightly obsessive father. So I was already…