Soooo that sack of shit is my delegate. He’s currently trying to run for state senate but his petition was denied because of fake signatures. I can’t wait to move.

If I had infinite money I’d buy a Victorian mansion on a huge tract of land. I’d have a huge garden and an orchard and goats and sheep and chickens and dogs and cats. I would do nothing but knit and cook and preserve things and read books and be blissfully happy.

Shit like this is why I’m afraid to be pregnant in the US. In the unlikely event I ever become pregnant, I’m moving to Canada.

THANK YOU. Some years ago I got seriously ill for a few weeks and came back to work down a significant amount of weight. Everyone talked about how skinny I looked, and I was all, um, my liver is never going to work the same way again, but thanks?

Same thing happened a year later when I went through a bad breakup. My…

I just bought my first bikini. It’s red with huge white polka dots and a deep-V halter top and I love the fuck out of it. I can’t wait to debut it at a family reunion this weekend and scandalize my deeply unhappy skinny bitch of a sister who wouldn’t know body positivity if it sued her. This is gonna be awesome, you…

Back in 2008 or so, I was looking for any kind of entry-level anything. I went to an interview for an admin job at a security company. It was a group interview that started with the office manager (who was open-carrying) asking all the candidates if they were married and/or parents (“No I don’t care if that question…

Boyfriend: “And do they host knife fights over what cheesecake is?”

An ex of mine used to work at a deli. One of his coworkers didn't know how to spell parmesan cheese, so one day he got a request to order more palmer John cheese.

I like curling up at night with my dude after we’ve both brushed our teeth and are relaxed and happy but not too tired, and jumping his bones. He likes to wake me up on weekend mornings with a handy. We both like bonking in the afternoon whenever our schedules align.

If we’re going to do something technical I’d rather…

My mom married my dad too young and has never been able to become fully independent of his abusive ass. Perhaps in recognition of this, she raised my two older sisters and I to be very strong women who bow down before no man. I don’t think she’ll ever identify as a feminist but I am one because of her.

In no particular order:
(1) Bride’s dad “giving her away.”
(2) Garter.
(3) Bouquet toss.
(4) Smashing cake in each other’s faces.
(5) White people appropriating other people’s cultures.
(6) Mason jars.
(7) Trashing the dress.
(8) Engagement photos.

My doctor put me on a high-fat/low-carb diet to help me manage my diabetes, and it’s virtually impossible to find books/blogs/other resources that aren’t horrifyingly cultish. Most of them are also aggressively, uncomfortably masculine. In the end I’m using a combination of resources and trying my best to look through…

Too bad that ex never did anything bad enough to ruin a political career.

You will pry my maxi dresses out of my cold dead hands. I love having an outfit fancy enough for a wedding, loose enough that I can eat my bodyweight in buffet meat, and flattering AF.

Me and the dude are looking to move soon. Number one requirement for the new place is pet-friendly (we have a dog and I desperately want a cat). Number two requirement is dishwasher. I will not even look at an apartment without one. Thankfully they’re really common around these parts.

Ew.

Do you not understand the concept of hyperbolic humor?

OH MY GOD he looks exactly like a guy I used to date. And I never met his parents, so, I mean.

Pleaseohplease let them not be the same person.

For both umbrella and preview, she consistently put the accent on the wrong syllable. UMbrella and preVIEW. Chipotle was chipoltay, no matter how many times my other coworkers gently corrected her.

An ex-boss of mine (a native speaker of American English) didn’t know how to pronounce the words umbrella, preview, or chipotle. I can kiiiind of give her a pass on the last one, but not the other two. I still cringe when I think about working with her.