I wish. She was actually dumb as a brick and flightier than a canary.

I knew a girl in college who briefly dated/fucked the lead singer of Cake. She was not yet 21, he was...much older. This was around 2005-6, assuming she was telling the truth, and who knows.

Every time I go to Subway, or really any place where I can get pickles, I ask for "lots of pickles, please." The guys at my local Subway are pretty awesome and will usually throw a big ol' handful on there for me and I never get charged for it. I guess they don't care as much about inventory.

Saw the guy I thought was my boyfriend making out with his cousin at junior prom.

I love my religion (I am not orthodox, but was raised very conservative). I am mortified right now.

I haven’t had to deal with much soft sexism at work, luckily. That being said, I used to go to a shooting range with an ex-boyfriend, and every time we would go to the counter to rent a rifle or get more bullets or whatever, the clerk would only talk to my ex. Even if I was the person renting and paying. I would ask…

My last name is Persian and there's no way to make it into an English pun, so what's the point of even having a last name I ask you?

Got food poisoning, spent 6 hours getting IV fluids and not puking, went to the store for Gatorade, puked all over the dairy aisle. And the pharmacy, and the bathroom sinks.

I missed three days of work, two because puking and the third because I got incredibly gassy. I spent about 12 hours belching and farting loud…

I pulled one really good prank on my family in 2010. My mom still hasn't forgiven me. Since I can't top it, I'll never do April Fool's again.

Mr. Brotherjo gets enthusiastic blowies on the regular. My only rule is he can't climax in my mouth or on/near my face. As long as he's okay with that, I'll blow him all the livelong day if he wants. And if I want to get off, but it's not happening with his equipment, I'm perfectly capable of using my own hand. He is…

Oh, and I had a coworker recently who literally found an excuse to leave every single one of his shifts early. He usually claimed "family emergency," strolled out without cleaning up after himself, and took the time to make himself a fancy iced coffee to go. Once in the middle of a crazy busy brunch he decided he was…

I'm an officer for a student organization at my college that means a lot to me. Our president had kind of checked out mentally a while before, and was hard to reach, and always had some reason for it or other. At one point she told us she was getting treated for cervical cancer, which, okay, is a legit reason to drop…

I have legitimately thought about putting a board game on every table at the reception and letting people seat themselves by which game they want to play first, and then they can move about as they wish. My sweetie and I are both very introverted people who love board games, and most of our friends also fall under…

That sounds amazing.

Re: kosher ham.

It sucks that the school is closing, but they're not solvent, haven't been for years, and never will be again. There's a saying in the nonprofit world, don't stay open for the sake of being open. When the school closes, the assets can be sold off and any leftover money can go toward giving all the staff generous…

Current students are going to get a lot of help transferring to other Virginia schools. They'll get in somewhere.

Oh, fuck off and go dumpster diving, will you? If it makes me feel good to do something nice for a fellow human being, whether it's slipping them a $20 and not sticking around to see their reaction or giving them a cough drop or baking them penis cookies, who are you to complain?

Employers are only obligated to make up the difference if the average earnings across the entire paycheck is less than minimum wage. If I had one shift where I worked 8 hours and made $30, that would be cancelled out by another shift where I worked 8 hours and made $300.

Last year right before Christmas I went to a local watering hole for breakfast. My tab was $9ish. I put it on my card and tipped the bartender $20, because it was Christmas and I know from experience how fucking awful serving breakfast can be. I enjoyed it so much I think I'll make it an annual tradition. In general I…