Bitches like this stupid cunt are the reason I took out extra student loans rather than spend one more second working for tips while I finish college.

Me, to BF: Apparently today is National Proposal Day.
BF: *non-committal, generally negative-sounding grunt*
Me: Not that I'm expecting us to celebrate such bullshit.
BF: *slightly more positive-sounding grunt*

(That being said, we're almost definitely getting married once our lives settle down a bit.)

I used to know a set of sisters named Winston and Mason. I believe they're both family names.

Until recently I worked at a high-end restaurant that didn't have a single bandage in its first aid kit. If we cut ourselves we had to create our own bandaids out of gauze (or sometimes paper towels) and painters tape.

I feel bad for Elena Kagan. Sotomayor and RBG are superstars, and she's over there like HEY I'M ON THE SUPREME COURT TOO.

This is a crime against Twizzlers.

...Are we the same person?

Yep, samsies. I'm 30, Dude is 33, and his favorite way to greet me is with a kiss and a honk. Double honk if he can manage it.

I'm 30 years old and living with a partner for the first time. I did not know how to talk to my mom about it, because she is very, very opposed to premarital sexing. Once when my oldest sister and her then-fiance (now husband of a jillion years) came to visit, she made them sleep on separate floors of the house, even…

That is not entirely incorrect.

You don't want to be a red hat lady. They hold meetings at restaurants and stay for hours and hours, running their servers ragged with stupid demands ("I SAID I WANTED SPLENDA." "There's some at the other end of the table." "BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY HERE."), and they always order the cheapest thing on the menu or…

I'm in a degree program that requires field work to graduate. My application got fucked up (not my fault) and two weeks before the start of my senior year, I had no placement. I flipped out and emailed everyone in the department administration from the dean on down. I got no less than 5 separate emails promising me…

Here's how I plan to save money when Mr. Brotherjo and I get hitched:

My dad threatened not to go to my oldest sister's wedding because he thought she spent too much on flowers.

This happened about two miles from where I live. I've been to weddings in this botanical park. It's so weird to me that good news from Richmond is making national headlines.

The next county over from me here in Central Virginia is Goochland County, named for Sir William Gooch, who was a mucky-muck in the 1700s.

My dad once told me that in Judaism, it's traditional for each member of the couple to give each other something bought from their own money. Usually it's a ring for her and a watch for him (my dad didn't mention non-hetero couples). I like that better than a ring and a gun.

It's starting to look like me and Mr. Brotherjo are gonna get hitched at some point in the vague indefinite future. I've made it pretty clear that any proposal is going to happen quietly and privately in our own home. Maaaaybe in front of my family (if certain family members aren't present) if he proposes, or in front…

I once accidentally stepped on a customer's service dog. The poor thing was resting politely under a table, but I moved out of someone's way without looking and got his toe. He yelped, I apologized profusely, the customer was extremely gracious, and I almost cried. I could not imagine how I would react to kicking a…

When I was a kid I had cats and played violin. I could always tell when the highest-pitch string was out of tune because one of the cats would shriek and run out of the room. Everyone's a critic.