Do you have a local Y? Often they have sliding-scale membership fee. I currently pay less than half the full fee for my membership and it's totally worth scrimping a little in other areas of my life.

I didn't start gaining weight at work until we got a new staff person who insists on keeping a giant snack bowl in the kitchen. Whenever it's empty the damn thing magically fills itself again. I can avoid snacks if I don't know they exist but when they're always around...argh.

My freshman dorm in college was called Merrill. There was a program the RAs ran called Merrill Academic Success. The first poster for it read "Merrill Academic Succuss." We decided it was deliberate.

Great minds think alike...

My mom never called my violin-playing awesome. Can I adopt myself into the Obama family?

I haven't seen that movie since middle school and now I remember why. Those masks scared the snot out of me as a kid.

Oooh thanks for the tip! I'm not a gay man but that has never stopped me from admiring big burly men before...

My invisible skyfather can beat up your invisible skyfather...

According to my sincere religious beliefs I must exact a tariff of $50 per year upon every person on earth. Pay up, guys, or my invisible skyfather will totally rain fire on your asses.

So my issue here is that you claim to love Jewish women specifically because of "curves, sense of humor, and eyes" common to us. You fail to recognize that Judaism isn't an ethnic group. Any random group of 100 Jews is no more similar physically than any other random group of 100 people, say, New Yorkers. It's fine…

I could...but I don't want to develop the secondary sex characteristics of a man. No offense, but a beard isn't a hot look on me.

Good point. I hate beer, always have. Never much of a wine person either. So when I read those articles that are all "50 ways to lose 5 pounds by Saturday!" and one of them is cut back on booze, I'm already there. I guess the next thing I should do is give up water...

Well, vaguely. We lose track of names a few generations back but we know the family has been in the same city for hundreds of years. Any fellow Persian Jew with my last name is almost certainly a relative.

Nope. Still creepy.

It's really, really, annoying to try to go on a diet with a guy and watch him drop twice as much weight in half the time.

I would volunteer to mop the floors if it meant I could hang out on that photoshoot.

Chiseled abs are nice, but I prefer a small keg to a perfect 6-pack. Feels better on my own belly flab.

Give me a magazine full of stocky men, the burly solid kind who don't look like they'd fall over in a stiff breeze, and I'll be happy for hours. I can totally get behind this movement.

Isn't that a terrible Sunday comic too?

True story, I want to run a write-in campaign to elect Millard Fillmore. I figure he's so obscure no one will catch on that he was actually president once.