The thing that kept me from having sex in high school, other than the lack of willing partners (16-year-old boys don't like fat smart outspoken 16-year-old girls, it turns out), was the fear of telling my parents I had HIV. My horrible sex-ed teacher made sure I knew that HIV is as easy to get as a common cold and…

According to Terry Pratchett, we must not forget Sex Appeal and Peppermint.

I think they're actually called "flavors" of quarks, although personally I'm partial to caramel and sea salt quarks.

I really hope so, for her sake, and the kid's.

A boy's best friend is his mother...

I don't think it actually works. Also it probably stings like a motherfucker.

I never realized before that Snooki is really pretty. Now if only she'd dress and behave in ways that enhance that...

Remember all those stories about teenage boys soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them up their asses?

I WANT HIS HAIR YESTERDAY. What I wouldn't do for curly thick hair again...

My dollar store smells like stale smokes and bitter tears. It's terrible, but it also provides surprisingly good wrapping paper, and you get a lot on the roll.

I know mine isn't...

I don't care for foot rubs but I humbly offer my back and shoulders as tribute...

I want red-haired, blue-eyed babies. As a brownish person with brown hair and eyes, this seems unlikely. But a girl can dream...

I personally would be sad because I find blue eyes attractive. But, y'know, it's not the end of the world or anything.

I'm pretty sure people I'm no longer friends with posted it on facebook and got all butt hurt. Because they are misguided idiots.

Isn't one of them a still of that weird Voldemort creature from the last Harry Potter movie...that's obviously not human? That one always cracks me up.

WORD. I grew up in New Jersey. Even though I haven't lived there in almost 15 years (having spent my intervening time in a hyperconservative wasteland in Southern California, an ultraliberal exclave of crazypants in Central California, and Virginia), I still get mocked for it. Mercilessly.

Has anyone ever combined cat gifs and porn? Because that would be the most horrifying goldmine EVER.

I think I love you.

I'm pretty sure I won a bunch of reading awards too. Which was good as I could never get perfect attendance. I needed something...