Don't be sorry. It is funny. In hindsight. :)

I actually know someone who, while in high school, viciously tackled the opposing team's mascot during a football game. Turned out, the person inside that costume was a small, hearing-challenged girl who had no clue she was about to be pounced on. He was the community pariah for many years afterward.

I spent the first two years out of college employed by my local law enforcement agency as McGruff the Crime Dog. I was actually given the role by default as I was the only member of my unit who met the height and weight requirements for the character. I made many appearances at festivals, rode atop a float in…

"I got a rock."

Not quite the symphony I was anticipating, but tuneful nonetheless.

After mopping up the water I spit all over my desk, I had to Google "well-digger's ass" because I really, really wanted it to be a thing.

A colleague who occupies the neighboring cubicle just downed a huge carton full of French fries and declared, "Man, that was good, but I'm probably going to pay for it later."
Actually, I am the one who is going to be paying for it as eating fried food makes this person exceedingly… melodious.
Since I am unable to…

It's a good time to be a football fan in Missouri. :)

Georgia is pretty banged up right now, so it's a possibility. I know UF has lost some key players to injury as well, but their defense is still pretty tough.

You know, desire smells like that to some people.

If you eat too much, you will have to take your pants off…at SeaWorld.

So, then, that time that Milhouse said he was so hungry he could eat at Arby's…

To be followed by "Bad Grandpa 3: The Annual Blaming of the Jews for Ruining Christmas with their Happy Holidays and Seasons Greetings and All That Horseshit"

How many episodes in before Nicky's douchey friend hooks up with one of the sisters but can't remember which one it was the next day?

I love you, Taco Bell Bell.

I would say yes to marrying any man that involved them in the proposal.

Orville Redenbacher?

"Did you get pears?  Did you get pears?  Did you get pears?"

Getting…

Don't forget pajama jeans!  Never forget!