Premier League owners beg government to save them from having to select English players.

I know that he isn’t a big name, but don’t sleep on Michael Keane. He has had an excellent season on a terrible team. He will 100% be on a top 6-7 team in the prem next season.

I feel like all of the names in this story are made up

Lead us not into relegation, and deliver us from Europa. Amen.

On the flip side, I’m really hoping the Vegas Stadium is named “PornHub Coliseum.”

♫There must be....50 Ways to Lose Your Striker

Wow, Nevada Grassie! Loved you in Raiders of the Lost Bong but Temple of Doob was my favorite.

The Dallas Creamer, AKA America’s Cream.

From the side he looks like Great Value Ryan Gosling

Yes, Mkhitaryan was offside. I don’t care, though, because..... 

I’m a Kings fan and I hate the liberties Quick takes in situations like this.

I wish I could star this more.

You don’t fucking watch Interstellar for fun.

The Winnipeg Jets are far more entertaining.

I was honestly clicking on this page to see what negative spin Deadspin would put on a nice win by United. Every article Deadspin wrote about United has been about United’s demise or overpaying for Martial (joke’s on you there). You need a United fan to put Arseholes in check.

That’s the Twitter equivalent of selling someone’s mom to ISIS for a Chipotle gift card.

Humor is about the unexpected. Going off on a tangent about quantum computing at a political conference is unexpected, thus humorous.

Human enjoyment of bloodsport goes back to prehistory. I’m not going to feel bad for enjoying boxing. It’s a step up from cockfighting, bear-baiting, and the NFL.

I picked St. Pauli because of their weird brown uniform and their socialist/hipster culture. I kinda regret it.