Just follow @philsimmsquotes . Good stuff, straight from the horse’a mouth.

This would be amazing. Do you know how many fat old conservatives would die of a heart attack from masturbating so furiously with glee? It would be Darwinism at its finest...

The death penalty serves no punitive purpose, except for retribution. I am making the point that a modern society shouldn’t act due to only retribution. You are certainly entitled to disagree, but the only reason this person “gave up his right to live” is because by some twisted logic an indiviudual murdering is bad…

Moderate Republicans are lefties to many a Trump supporter.

Lester Holt, meanwhile, is constantly trolled for being terrible at throwing over to first base...

I mean J Cole is really good so it isn’t all bad.

but J Cole went platinum with no features.... why wouldn’t you want to watch him perform?

No one man should have all that power.

“Had a great night. Make 2ure you get your 2hoes from my bathroom.”

Good sound off the bat:

Sure he did, cry and promise not to tell anyone.

In fairness to Trump, he’s a pathological liar and fundamentally unfit to run a banana stand (because there’s money in it), so…um…that’s it. Fuck him.

My wife thinks I’m a psychopath sitting here crying and rewatching it on my phone 22 times.

This is just a bawlfest for me since it started. Dee Gordon broke me.

[head explodes]

How Peter King and a thousand hot-takers across the nation read this:

It’s not illegal to have a gun in NC. We can’t on one hand arm society to the teeth and remove gun ownership and carry restrictions, while on the other hand using that very same freedom to justify the shooting of an innocent, unaffiliated citizen.

Black dude gets gunned down for reading a book in Cam Newton’s backyard and the best he can do is “I salute Kaepernick for raising awareness.”

Clean seems like a stretch though.