The only good news in here is that we’re that much closer to Why Your Team Sucks, which is really the only NFL-related thing I give a good goddamn about.

I can guarantee you that every never-was goalie in the Universe, including me, saw that and thought something along the lines of, “Totally worth it to be able to say, “wanna see the bruise Zdeno Chara gave me?””

“This is because millions of illegals voted.” - one of my FB friends

“dried-out yarn” : every single story Kellyanne Conway has ever told.

+1,000 000 “sentient grease trap”

...or if he does drive it again, it’ll be at 45mph in the fast lane.

As a goalie, I have to hate this guy. As a hockey player, I love him like Westley loves Buttercup.

“If you’re fucking Woody Allen at the end of a Woody Allen movie, bad things are in store for you.”

http://www.theonion.com/article/5-year-old-figures-he-has-a-year-left-of-peeing-at-34050

No, it looks like Caesar’s Palace’s whorehouse.

Me: “How was the debate?”

“...what I see in totem”? C’mon, lady, you know as well as we do how he’s doing in the poles.

Well, now you’ll stand, goddamnit. And the popcorn is, well, it’s the popcorn that was fresh and hot in 1990. #WinSomeLoseSome

“Vic Hitler, narcoleptic comic!”

Oh, and “is this part of Second Ave. one lane or is it two?”

Can’t wait to see how those driverless Ubers manage legendary local maneuvers like the “Pittsburgh left,” the “slowing down by 20mph immediately upon entering any tunnel,” and “trying to find your fucking way around fucking Polish fucking Hill for fuck’s sake.”

It’s benegoddamnFICIARY, Barry.

Hey, IOC peeps: “sports climbing” is a made-up thing, you know. Like “sportsball” or “racewalking” or “beach volleyball."

“(I’m guessing the Cup holds a medium)” +1