There’s a family in my town with the last name of “Screws” and, yes, they have a daughter. I feel so, so sorry for her.

We might have finally found the thing that can make Gawker implode upon itself.

Sort of! I had just turned 18 and was looking for work. I got some sandwiches from an Italian deli and saw a hiring sign in the window, alongside all of the glorious goodies inside of their deli case and hot trays. After eating the most delicious sandwich of my life up to that point, I went back and got the job. In 8…

Those are the ugly sapiens who can’t get a date and have to stay home on Saturday night.

We all laugh and mock Showgirls now. But if you were a teenager in the mid-1990s seeing Jesse Spano topless and doing softcore porn for minutes at a time, you’ll know it’s a fucking travesty that that movie didn’t win at least six Oscars.

I choose YOU, jagged broken neck of a beer bottle!

You run around pooping in punch bowls at kids’ birthday parties, don’t you?

Pretty much any wide receiver the Jaguars have ever drafted in the first round could be used as bench depth.

Matt Jones snorted cocaine off a hooker’s ass in a bar parking lot. That’s in the same neighborhood of debauchery, isn’t it?

Mercury Morris (sentenced to 20 years in prison, served three after receiving a new trial on appeal for cocaine trafficking) doesn’t warrant a Flex spot on the all-binging team?

Is this a GIF, or just Verne having a seizure?

Sooooo ... I take it you’re not a fan of America?

Shit, bringing a gun into Oakland’s stadium might be the only way to make it out alive.

Again, culturally China is ancient. Politically, it’s younger than my dad. Its current government was formed in 1949 following a civil war. The one before that only lasted 37 years.

And also a bunch of bad knees. Looking at you, Nerlens Noel ...

Missing the point entirely. I acknowledge that other cultures are obviously older than American culture. My point was, the U.S. is often labeled a “young nation” when it’s gone longer than almost anyone else without the sort of internal upheaval — some of it on a regular basis — that almost every “old nation” in…

What are you talking about? Unless you’re counting France, Germany and England as the only major European nations?

Good point. Neville Chamberlain, who for a long time was the embodiment of appeasement and kowtowing to evil, has gotten a much more favorable view in recent years. Historians seem to realize what he did at the time, that the British weren’t at all ready to go to war in 1936 or 1938.

So, to sum it up, for all of America’s perceived faults we generally have our shit together.

Maybe the Civil War should give the U.S. an asterisk, since the existing government won and retained power. Still, I’d say despite some lingering cultural issues we’ve largely overcome that. It’s been 150 years and we haven’t been close to another shooting war over domestic issues.