Blood coming out of his wherever...

He was in Alabama! In a ballroom, convention center, stadium! Sportsparty!

This weekend I had my four-billionth customer respond to “Can I get you anything else?” with “Yeah, a stack of hundreds, har har har.” I’d just had two miserable shifts in a row, the highlight of which was the homeless drunk who came in and vomited blood all over the floor. I replied “I don’t have any hundreds back…

KAZOOOOOS!

The real question we all want answered: How drunk were you Saturday?

I've been looking for an alligator and party hat restaurant for AGES. Now I know where to find one!

Jesus, take the meal.

See, if I was the family with Golem Jesus, I wouldn’t order any beverage at all. Nor would I order a third meal for him.

They never took a doggie bag home and they never touched Golem Jesus’s meal.

Boys, when you’ve been rejected, and your friend at the bar suggests getting over it with a couple of shots, this is not what they mean.

Dear randilyn, I need you to be on painkillers all the time.

It’s also a good rule to never put your thumb in someone’s mouth because, biting. Or put your thumb in their...?

“tl;dr” doesn’t stand for “tootle loo; dear randilynbeginagain” does it?

As a Tennesseean, I would like to apologize for the ignorance of some of my fellow residents. We're not all mouth-breathing ignoramuses, I promise. I want to call this woman up and yell, "Cervix! Cervix! Vagina!" into her ear. Please join me.

And then there is this, my second-favourite picture of all time. A picture of such sublime, ecstatic absurdity that it really ought to be hanging in the National Portrait Gallery for future generations of Britons to appreciate and revere. I love it so.

Law of averages - given an infinite number of chimps typing an infinite amount of YouTube comments, one of them will eventually be (a) non-racist, (b) funny…

How is any of what happened his wife’s fault? She’s not Dottie Sandusky, she left as soon as she found out. There’s no evidence she ever knew anything. And who gives a fuck if she was “living off him”, how other people divide their money in their own marriages is none of your damn business. You don’t know what she…

Yo if it meant that I could have sex with Zoe Saldana I would grow ten thousand stupid ass beards I would cover myself in beards all the beards everywhere

It’s time to bring up the Chinese restaurant again:

OMG TUT'S CURSE WAS AN STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!