My lacrosse team must’ve been an outlier. None of us had odd first names. In fact, in what must be a statistical oddity, my entire team consisted of only two first names. Every single one of us on the team was named either Dude or Bro.

That’s preposterous. Bowden’s players always had a daddy. In fact he always showed up once a year, wearing orange, green, and white.

Wait, is LeBron block truthering actually a thing? That’s an exciting development.

He doesn’t know about the three strings. LOL.

It’s not a black-white clip until someone calls the black guy lazy.

See if you can fit this around your brain, Adolph Rupp. It’s close to the end of the quarter (high schools play quarters). The offense is running down the clock to get a last shot. The defense isn’t fouling BECAUSE IT WOULD MEAN A ONE-AND-ONE. The…

‘2018 Washington DC.’

Just imagine the memes Michelle Tafoya could talk about!

Don’t bother - he’ll never find the time to read it.

Of course he got the big heavy massage chairs from Brookstone- I think they’re the D Series Massage Collection. If he was smarter, he’d have gotten the smaller, lighter, but superior E-Series. I think we all know, though, that Flacco would never buy the E lite.

Paterno probably could have avoided the injury had he not been too busy looking the other way.

[rhythmic clapping sound]

A career backup, McCown fell to his death after the picture was taken.

Under my patented system, you’ll either become a title contender that falls apart when it matters most, or your legs will detach from your body and fly into low earth orbit on powerful jets of blood. If you put the effort in, your stomach will crawl out of your body and hunt pigeons while you train so you don’t have…

Vikings fans everywhere:

It almost looks like Ryan Gosling from Remember The Titans made it to the NFL, but he’s still mad about all the racism at his high school.

Ashley, I know you probably take a lot of shit over your work here, so I wanted to tell you I have started to deliberately check Deadspin when something like this breaks, knowing that your article will both appropriately reinforce my horror and commiserate with it. You’re great. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise…

I once taught swimming lessons to a red-haired kid named “Renegade”. If you’re wondering, yes, he did have a mullet.