I had such hopes for us, Squid. Such. Hopes.

I'm just so sad. I pictured it going so differently with you. Sad day.

I really thought I was learning to trust again. This is going to be quite the setback, lemme tell ya. Bupropion city, here I come again.

Oh, ok. See, this is what they said you’d do. Wait until I’m vulnerable and being open, and turn that honesty against me. So typical.

You know what? You’re right. Tricia and Perry are bitchy, and they bring out the worst in each other. Good point.

“Yeah, he’s obsessive about learning new folds for his pocket square collection, but so what?” That is verbatim what I said to Tricia and Perry, and this is what I get in return?

You know, when Tricia and Perry told me to be wary of being your best man, because they said you’re “not a giving person,” I defended you. But I’m starting to see what they meant.

This is Eugene Sandow, the father of modern bodybuilding. Incredible genetics. What a whiz-bang of a time are we going to have at your bachelor party! Trading Eugene Sandow anecdotes, drinking egg creams, and combing one another’s bangs into wild patterns! Wow!

This one is Andy Gibb. Talented guy, for sure. Don’t you think we’re both going to feel pretty silly when I read excerpts from this thread as part of my toast at your wedding? Good times.

I’m pretty sure I’m great at Kinja, if this thread is any indication. Also, “you’re bad at kinja” isn’t exactly the death-blow you think it is.

You said it was porn, not me. I just see an artful picture of a man and a horse. If you want porn, though . . .

The basketball ring is made of steel, but the basketball ball is made of leather. The interconnected basketball mesh hanging from the steel basketball ring has a large windowpane pattern woven into its knotted nylon threads.

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato suggested that most people only perceive a shadow version of reality. And here I am, delivering the capital-T truth of the universe to you, for free. And yet you can’t even be bothered to read it. A sad commentary on the nature of the age in which we live, I suppose. Soak your…

Find some people you trust and hold an intervention for yourself. You could start like this: “Look guys, I know I’m kind of overly self-important and pointlessly stubborn, as well as arrogant in a way that's completely unearned, but a guy on the Internet has convinced me I need to make a change, and that’s why we’re…

The variation in diction belies your insistence that you’re not involved in what’s happening here. And what’s happening is that eventually you’re going to realize I’m right, make a long list of people you’ve wronged by acting like Tomás de Torquemada, apologize to all of them, and then apply thumbscrews to yourself,…

You’re a fink, and clearly you're the specific kind of fink who doubles down on his finkiness when he gets called a fink, in order to try to get his finky way. I will never be cowed by a fink. Bellyflop into a jacuzzi full of jellyfish, fink.

Your “refusal” to read is unsurprising. You certainly seem to lack intellectual curiosity as well as even a smidge of the literacy necessary to comprehend nuanced rhetoric. Buy a high-tech carbon fiber assegai and throw yourself on it lungs-first.

Your insistence on continuing the charade that you’re somehow proving a point by trying to make your peevish truculence into a virtue through your string of needy, performative, pathetic responses is yet another reason for you to huff antifreeze and lie down in the path of a herd of stampeding wildebeest.