Damn me for token contrarianism, but I feel for him. My ostensible “athleticism” has been known to flee in the face of a pretty lady’s expectant gaze. And after I muff opportunity one? God help me. And God help Captain Vineyard Vines Third Base Line Seats. Sincerely.

So edgy.

Matt Williams: “PAP! Never throw a punch with your pitching ha . . . Ah, nevermind, fuck it. Do what you want, you turd.”

Everybody! Go back to calling everybody else “Sparky!” Please. That shit was gold.

Nah.

Is this real, Timothy? Am I dead?

Add some sheet music, and you've got yourself some dynamite kinja!

Little known fact: New Hampshire’s state song is titled “New Hampshire is a Very Silly State in Many, Many Ways,” sung to the tune of “God Save the Queen,” and it's illegal to sing it unless you're wearing a frock coat.

Oh shit! Mr. K is coming! Scatter!

It’s on Deadspin.

No, I think fucking Breitbart would be worse.

Holy. Shit. That's kinja-ing like a motherfucker, is what that is.

Left wing radicals in the U.S. do crazy shit. Like vote for Bernie Sanders. Right wing radicals in the U.S. do crazy shit. Like blow up buildings in Oklahoma.

Jonathan Swift showing his class suggesting we dine on Irish babies. Writer types, amiright?

Cruz is church lady.

Middle school takedown! Say some shit about his shirt now! And then push him, when you’re sure Mr. Kleinberg is close enough to keep things from actually going to fisticuffs.

Lizard People.

Jonathan Swift was a mean, cannibalistic asshole!

To graduate from college?

So smug. So swag. I hate that I kind of like this prick. But why is he wearing a boutonnière at his presser?