Nice!

The pitcher’s name is legitimately Buck Farmer. Buck. Farmer. I accuse you of burying the lede, Timothy.

Seriously. Mellow out. You’re not breaking news, and to suggest that I am making light of people dying when all I really did was gently point out that you sound pretty silly trying to save the world in the Jezebel comments section with a high-flown, self-righteous series of handwringing chirps? That’s exactly the kind…

And an overwrought college kid being performatively intense in an Internet comments section . . . solves the drought! I owe you an apology, I sincerely didn't think it would work. Well done you.

I was making fun of you, because you seem intense but maybe not so wise.

What do your parents have to do with anything? Edit your rants. You’re making SoCal’s vaunted public education system into a lie.

Sometimes . . . I water my lawn. I am bad.

Harrumph. I dismiss you, ostensible TUFTS and/or Brown graduate. Replace your TMT chapeau atop your pin-like cranium and return to your Lime-a-Rita. Godspeed.

You seem really smart. TUFTS or Brown, amiright?

Scumbag. Full stop. And his bars are trash.

Movies aren't real life.

Merkel merkin.

Eat it, Dad.

Pass.

Had that one in your pocket for a while, haven’t ya? ADMIT IT!

I kind of hate that this ad makes me kind of like Kaepernick. Mad decent Hoo-ah, Kap. Mad decent.

Eat it, Dad.

Did you pee in your editor’s coffee or something? Correct your many prose errors and get it together, man. Damn. It’s distracting.

I've enjoyed your time at Deadspin, Greg. Enjoy the Atlantic. You're going to be awesome there.

My future mother-in-law thinks I look like Ed Sheeran. I don't look like Ed Sheeran.