I honestly think Obama was a perfect candidate.

ok that’s great but your music still sucks

I, um, I checked Sweethome for ice cube trays like three years ago, back when you were writing this, and the tray I bought is fuckin’ awesome.

and actually I just remembered that Trump dislikes shaking hands, which is probably because it’s hard for him to get his teeny tiny little fingerlets around a normal human hand. JOKE RUINED; WAS NOT GOOD IN FIRST PLACE.

that is a joke I am not voting for Trump, I’m perfectly happy with my weak-ass handshake.

SEE? THIS IS WHY I’M VOTING FOR TRUMP

That movie sucked, btw.

Network shows are like porn magazines; it’s cute that they’re still trying, I guess, but no one has cared for like a decade.

Ha, oh God, One Weird Thing. We’re hanging around with a lot of babies right now and we know several of these.

Also our kid looks basically exactly like that kid.

Ours was $3800. We have shitty insurance and a c-section.

I can back that up, we got that advice too.

This is all accurate.

My wife is also vehemently anti-top sheet! Let’s leave our spouses and run away together and have all the top sheets! WHO’S LAUGHING NOW, SPOUSE? (“No one was laughing.”) WHATEVER.

This asshole who wrote this asshole GQ article wants me to wash duvet covers! And I know you already covered this, Ms. Rothkopf, but let me back you up, GETTING A DUVET COVER OFF AND ON AGAIN IS A BLOODY SCREAMING NIGHTMARE. You have to tie its corners onto the duvet cover or it’ll scrunch up! I know this, again,…

YOU ARE RIGHT, PEOPLE WHO DON’T USE TOP SHEETS ARE FUCKING MONSTERS

“Smart” means it’s better for the environment. Listen, if you’re just doing laundry, with my machine you push On and then Go and it says it’ll take 41 minutes and 41 minutes later it’s done; it is not rocket science. If you’re, say, home-laundering cloth diapers, it’s a whole thing that your smart washing machine can…

Just took a baby CPR course yesterday, wheeee, and yes, this is about what they said. If alone: do five cycles then call, a cycle being 30 pumps, clear the airway, breathe twice.

Yaaaaay for creeping on the baby’s breathing! I do it all the time! I ain’t need no fancy machine to go poke my kid until he proves he’s not dead!

That is why you fail.