Imagine Henry Ford’s child’s embarrassment when he named him after the car company he owned.

No. I’m totally with you, bro. Fuck people who wan uncommon names, right?! I mean, why would a woman who was choosing her own name after living her entire life in the wrong role choose a name that means “happy” or “lively” and maybe even reflects her own heritage if she happens to be of Italian descent? How could she…

Even worse is all of those parents that name their sons Thomas after the school bus company, or James . . . I mean come on! There’s a movie about a giant peach with that name! Dorks.

Say no more!

What’s it like?

That’s because you don’t hum it, you sing the lyrics.

You don’t need shoes anymore. Today’s socks are comfortable and sturdy enough for anyone to wear around their home.

Kind of. If you think of an algal bloom as a giant sea creature.

Now you do! It’s how fish breathe.

That’s not how any of this works.

The Mississippi River handles water from about 40% of the watersheds in the contiguous 48. Every cornfield and golf course east of the Rockies dumps nutrients into the system and it all gets spilled out into the Gulf. If you folks would kindly stop eating up there, things would be a lot better down here.

I’m pretty sure the exact amount of water bourbon needs is “none.”

I’m pretty sure the exact amount of water bourbon needs is “none.”

The Japanese language is not in need of a white night, bro. Calm your tits.

Look at Miss Fancypants havin’ a CAR to blog from. I have to be content shouting insults at passers-by from the shoe box me and my family live in, but you don’t see me complaining.

“a pitiful pile of rubble that is barely held together by a thin crust.”

I mean c’mon it’s a Marvel movie. It’s not like I’m gonna miss that.

Nice try. Not today, Satan. Not today.

And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou make an origin story. Then, shalt thou make two, no more, no less sequels. Three shall be the number of movies thou shalt make, and the number of the movies shall be three. Four shalt thou not make, nor either make thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five…

I actually have not. Now I have a reason (besides Kurt Russel’s magnificent beard) to watch it.

Best be safe and just nuke the planet anyway.