“Why would he work for cheesy potatoes?”

“college football doesn’t count under my rules”

He’s no Colonel Orangeorange

Meanwhile, his agent’s business card remains untouched.

Yes, but I am a stay at home parent. Is that weird? 

OP said it was beer, not wine.

Yes, I look forward every year to my Hallmark Halloween greeting cards.

By their own logic, if an undocumented person is not under U.S. jurisdiction, then they can not be arrested.

A psychotic, narcissistic asshole.  I’m a very happy divorcee.

Incorrect, they must be duly convicted, not just convicted.

Kids are fun to fuck with but you gotta keep it on this side of the line.  I told my niece that, because I’m a lawyer, I had asked a judge to legally change her dogs’ names to Dog 1 and Dog 2 and it was illegal to call them anything else.  That provided humor for a solid year with no obvious psychological scars.

Your boss following you on Twitter is a great opportunity to delete your account and never use that toxic social network again. Think of it as him doing you a favor.

I convinced my little brother that Velcro was Spam fur, like one side was male and the other female and it helped them mate because they’re boneless. He didn’t figure out it was a lie until middle school. Now he’s actually a biologist!

Also: free samples. 

Yeah, just give up with Costco, resistance is futile.

It appears he was hanging around too long. 

YOU MEAN THE CRAIG JAMES WHO KILLED FIVE HOOKERS WHILE AT SMU?

If a person does not take the lump sum, they are assuming the state lottery system will continue being around for 20 years. Illinois has proven even states can go bankrupt.

I dunno, phone vibration seems like a pretty low bar. “Is there a diesel idling outside?” “Are they tunneling under this building?” “Is someone using a jackhammer in the basement?”

There’s no way Tom Brady was going to let go of that ball just because Breeland grabbed his legs. You have to yell “Droppit!” and pull it out of his mouth. It’s so annoying because he knows you can’t throw it for him again unless he lets go of it.