Because, you know, Franzen is an Adonis. He knows it, and we should, too.

That would later be the name of his heart-breaking memoir, referring to Franzon’s name for him, ironically to the adoption, and, sincerely, to the time the housekeeper took him in without the Franzons noticing.

Real feminists can’t breathe underwater.

I feel about his characters the way I feel about “heroic” Mt. Everest movies—the ones where rich white guys pay a ton of money to get stomped flat by Nature but are heroes for not being stomped. “This was totally avoidable.”

He looks like an alternate universe Stephen King in that photo. The universe where King is an unsuccessful blogger.

Yeah, his thesis about Edith Wharton was that she punished her heroines because she wasn’t attractive herself. (Read: not attractive according to Jonathan Franzen.) That’s pretty sexist, buddy!

You just know he tells this almost-adopted-an-Iraqi-orphan non-story at parties for the amusement of his fellow rich old white people who are also out of touch with the youths. And with pretty much everyone else around the globe who isn’t old and rich and white. So amusing.

Right? Honestly, he’s half assing this LIKE ALL THE MEN DO.

Maybe he should have talked to more young cynical feminists. Or adopted one, that’s the same thing.

I literaly started googling “penis trophy case” and then remembered I’m on a work computer.

I definitely read the entire thing, and definitely forgot I read it to the point that I started it again, realized the whole thing felt vaguely familiar, and STILL I remember zero from it - no plot points, no characters, nothing.

Real feminists can tell the difference between eggs and coconuts using nothing but the power of sight. True fact.

Jonathan Franzen writing a feminist will just be Hugo Schwyzer 2.0 with hopefully less sexual assault and awfulness.

Also, real talk, if you pee sitting down you don’t leave pee sprinkles on the floor. If you sprinkle pee on my floor I will make you atone for your maleness.

I thought that was the joke.

A photo of the author discussing his “sex life” with “Kathy.”

Yes, Mr. Franzen. Children all around the world are the same. It’s amazing how the worldview of kids raised on the UES is EXACTLY THE SAME as kids from war-torn Iraq.

I know, between him and the time I got pressured into reading Infinite Jest, I’ve had my full quotient of rich, white male whiny fiction.

“I fucking hate youths. You know what we should do, adopt a youth!”

Jonathan Franzen Considered Adopting Iraqi Orphan to Better Understand Young People