OH GOD SAVANNAH GUTHRIE YOU ARE AN ANNOYING GIANT GIRL DOLL WHO HAS NO BRAIN.

I do not want Carson Daly daily.

Those white girls who are pissed should probably quit rather than comment anonymously.

I've been reading Dirt Bags for years and years and I still can't shake the habit of reading the attributions as reactions. Comme ci:

I'm going to be on an Investigation Discovery show in December! The fact that I am super excited about this in no way means that my acting career is going nowhere!

Not gonna lie, I thought that picture of Steven Tyler was Beyonce at first glance.

As someone who comes from a family of trashy rednecks, I agree.

The Kardashian pictures. I... I don't understand. Did they photoshop out her belly button? Can somebody else check for me? If they did, is that like, a thing? Why might that be a thing? I am confused. And angry. And a little bit hungry.

Ohhh crap. I've been pronouncing it like Tawndee for years! Where did I get that from?

100% pro-choice here, and it's wonderful that abortion is shown as a medical procedure without stigma, but really?! In a wedding announcement? Did the best man give a rousing speech about their union and also mention Haslem's painful kidney stones? Or athlete's foot? Bizarre thing to include.

I'm still trying to get over her name: Shemane.

I was wracking my brain trying to get the joke with "Shemane." It was only when I stopped to read the article that I learned that it was a name and not a pun I was too slow to figure out.

Her parents probably intended to name her Aryan, but alas, they are illiterate.

I judge people's eyebrows.

She's a racist and she wears sequined mullet dresses? Ugh, what a terrible person.

Enjoy this pie you skinny bitches.

John Lennon has always bothered me. He constantly gets a pass for spouting off Imagine and Working-Class Hero and doing his peace and harmony schtick from hotel beds while simultaneously amassing tons of wealth and ignoring his own son. Blech. I refuse to consider him "the cool Beatle!"

Try Japanese stores, they might have something that would fit your body type.

From Ta-Nehisi Coates, [Moynihan believed that the crisis of the black family was the result of having been "battered and harassed by discrimination, injustice and uprooting." Three centuries of injustice," wrote Moynihan, "have brought about deep-seated structural distortions in the life of the Negro American." In my…

High five over the pile of papers!!!