Geez. Did you pay to play?

Amateur is being generous.

If you’re looking to avoid a yeast infection, yes.

I’m not completely sure on this, but should you be using a condom with a microwaved bagel?

Upon further study, it’s looking more like mouse poop on Bag Balm.

I can’t even each climax with this item.....

Amateur night?

Hmm. They say “Maggots in Velveeta” to me, but your point is well taken.

Bwaa-hahahaaaaaa!

Yeah, you definitely don’t want to get too close. They remotely crap in your pants, too.

No, no. Times have changed. Bearclawfisting is considered sex these days.

Coincidentally, this is today’s Cubs’ promotion as well.

Heh heh.

Maple Bacon, if you keep kosher or halal.

Microwaved bagels are nice for a chance of pace! Just saying.

If you go to this Dunkin Donuts, beware of the donut that might have crabs. They are very catching. I mean, I didn’t even eat anything there or set foot within a mile of the place, and I got them.

Why not make the frosting chocolate and the sprinkles yellow? It would have made these look less like donuts with ants crawling in spooge.

The climax of this article was way funnier to me than it should have been.

The Hertz donut.

Which donuts are the ones you AREN’T supposed to do sex with?