That’s a second string guard who’s on his tenth year in the league picture if I’ve ever seen one.

Under Armour exec team after hearing the announcement:

This is bad news for uncles of 2-4 year olds everywhere. All those toddlers are gonna be crazy vigilant from now on. 

If the NFL contracted their own network, something like the Va it would save them a ton of money and they could easily pay for it. But I would be concerned about the conflict of interest of having teams employ doctors who could be pressured to “control costs”. Just fix health insurance in this fucking country for…

That’s not entirely fair.  We give a flying fuck about the troops whenever a football players kneels during the anthem to protest police brutality.

I’ve always been pro-player in these labor disputes because of stuff like this. These men break themselves for my entertainment and are pretty much exploited by the very coaches that claim to “love them” all the while seeing 3 to 4 years of their earning sucked up by college football under the guise of educating…

I get what your saying, but have you ever accidentally sat on your own balls? That and the end of Terminator 2. Totally okay. 

You know, it’s not right that a wildcat reverse pass back to the QB in the flat is known as “Philly Special” now, because it’s not like the Eagles invented it.

Interesting. The “Philly Special” I grew up with was blacking out, starting a fight, and losing a shoe but things could have changed 

WWE is working to appease the Saudis because they know a little something about the Bonesaw used in this particular case.

Gritty is still there?  I thought he made it on to John Oliver’s Supreme Court?

YES!!! It's been years since that happened but every time I see the name Temecula in any context, I will always think of that.

There’s only one way to settle this...

Does anyone ever get that feeling, just when you’re about to fall asleep, when the bed falls out from underneath you or your leg kicks for no reason? Is there a name for that? It scares the shit out of me every time, and I hope I’m not some freak who suffers from this alone.

The only acceptable instance of food-related ballpark violence:

“Hey, they are just pouring beer, why do they feel so entitled to a living wage? After all, I shouldn’t have to pay $.50 more per beer, and I only make $50k/year. Why should he make more than me?”

Always remember, don’t fight to raise everyone up, fight to drag everyone down.

Adrian Peterson told reporters, “That was a new one for me. It was different.”

You’re a security guard stuck in the rain at an 8 hour Dolphins game, you’re “pants-won’t-stay-up” fat, your crappy poncho makes you the wrong kind of wet, and now you have to chase down a happy, healthy, wealthy 10-year-old whose life is already more interesting than yours will ever be. What’s that suicide hotline…

“Horton, Here’s a Poo!”