No. Remember, she only swallows big loads.

I have been with my unicorn boyfriend for four months. The sexual chemistry between us is out of this world!

I worked at a place like that. The boss was just like you.

People judge Indiana because it gifted Mike Pence to the world.

Drink, eat, walk around, buy shit, and go back to our miserable lives.

It should be known as the “you’re not leaving until you touch my erection” song.

ucchhh- no

Deep state? The only thing this asshole has gotten into is a deep dish pizza.

Not only that, but 2 dates a week can get really expensive quick. Especially if you’re socially expected to pick up the tab.

sorry, come again? Italy would be annoying if it weren’t for the attractive people with accents? Is that what you said?

Why do I always fall in love with lesbians? Why do I instantly fall in love with girls who have that something more in their eyes? Something melancholy and perhaps insecure? Girls whom I’d rather protect and embrace than take to bed?

Liberals— wanna lose more elections? Want your entire agenda mocked? Keep focusing on this kind of thing.

I used to work in a place with a gym on site. It was convenient, and I spent my lunch hour there. When I changed jobs, my gym was closer to home, and it was a real pain going. I eventually stopped.

Dry wheat toast, runny eggs with pepper and 7-Up.

Listen, if you’ve had any amount of weed, you’re too fucking stoned to drive.

This is really going to follow you all through out your life now. Just like my friend, Andrew Hilliard.

I agree—

I can’t decide if this style pizza will give you the runs or will block you up. Typical of Midwestern food, it’s a gamble.

Agreed. I took a job after I was dust-binned that was low-paid and not in my field. It was a temping gig, and it eventually led to a permanent job that was somewhat out of my field, but better for me in general.