Lawrence Welk

I was 16 or 17, and I was equally as blown away. Before opening my yap today, I looked it up on YouTube.

Secret tracks only really existed on CDs.

A song from 79 can’t be hidden. I might be wrong, but if you have a vinyl record, it’s basically on display. Right?

On the other hand, “secret songs” were always crap. STP, Cracker, Green Day, Tool.

I’m not afraid to be sans clothes. I go to the gym. I go to Korean spas. I’m neither afraid, nor embarrassed.

Masturbating in the park behind the wheel of your ‘76 Corvette Stingray is not the same as getting “action.”

Ah, I see - you’re one of those guys who goes home and has a huge wank after showing your withered goods at the gym. All while thinking “I totally dominated that dude. He was so dominated.” Then you have dinner with your wife.

I know you’re trying to be snarky, but you’re right. My life isn’t upended, and I can talk about other things than the kids’ teachers, their after school activities, their play dates, etc, etc.

My wife’s grandmother is living in a nursing home. She must be pushing 90. She’s alert, but christ, she lives a miserable life. Her room is depressing as hell. Linoleum floors, wipeable wallpaper, a hospital bed... The staff is friendly, so that’s nice, but she spends her days sleeping or sitting. There is no joy in…

But... but... but... every police procedural show on CBS tells me that there is a serial killer on the loose in every single neighborhood in the United States. Surely tv dramas aimed at people who think La-Z-Boys are cool aren’t lying.

Kids are fun, and I love my little relatives. I’m really looking forward to being an uncle to my SIL’s kid in a handful of months. But I have zero desire to take on the burden myself.

Old dudes with no shame are the worst. It’s ok to be nude in a locker room, but those old dudes with floppy balls and cocks that resemble limp, uncooked bratwursts need to get a handle on themselves. Wrap a goddamned towel around your waist and stop waving your useless member around.

So you’re raising a human so it won’t bother you in a few years? Doesn’t make sense.

If you’re a daily rider, all the respect of the motoring world.

It’s not a humblebrag. You have no idea how gross and annoying it is to be able to tell when someone three seats down on the train hasn’t properly wiped their ass.

But you’re in the minority. Where I live, you’d think there would be more full time riders (I’m in Brooklyn), but that’s not the case (bikes being easy to park). Vespas don’t count.

I’m super mindful of bikers when on the road. I think they’re taking their lives into their own hands just to be kewl, but, hey, we all have our hobbies. And no sense in making things worse for them on the road.

I get that, but I can see that through the eyes of my nieces and nephews. And apart from the five bucks I slip them on the sly, or the occasional toy I buy them, it won’t cost me anything. Plus, I don’t have to upend my life. And I won’t have to listen to their terrible music when they hit puberty and crank it up in…

I might be a super taster - I don’t like IPAs at all. I do have an excellent sense of smell, too, and it’s sometimes really annoying.