Frankly, the fact that there's so much effort to justify Rice's knocking the woman unconscious is terrifying to me.

We all know our justice system is fucked up. The NFL isn't constrained by the same backlog or bureaucracy, and if it wants to make a statement, there's nothing stopping it.

"Holy shit! What an arm!"—Johnny Damon

"Is that... Herbal Essences?"

Gives new meaning to 'Dotting the I'.

"Hold on a sec. Let's not be hasty, here. Are they any good? I mean, that's pretty important, you know."—Raj Goodell

Oh.

"No, Mr. Epstein, it's not because of the market-size. It's because we DESERVE this spot. The top spot would, of course, have been more accurate, but, well, we must be charitable towards those who are not us, correct?"—the Cardinals and their fans

Raj and the gang, looking out over the landscape and laughing at the pitiful, weak protestations, giving the finger to those who are enraged by this "punishment".

Amazing how they managed to catch Oden in one of his rare 'happy' moments!

And also his late '60s smash, "She's a Lady?"

The University of Phoenix Law Talking Place

"Palmer, who married Rice after the incident, went on to apologize for her role in getting punched out."

Where'd that guy go to law school, the Deadspin comment section?

"Haha! Because rape is fuckin' funny! I don't mean, like, Anchorman funny, but just funny. Know how I know? Because my daddy said so! He's, like, the funniest dude I know! But seriously, dudes, stop with the rape stuff. Pops said for me to tell you guys that."—Arya Toufanian

"Wonder what he REALLY does think. I'd like to ask him, but I'm afraid of rejection. I bet we'd be good friends if we just got to know each other. God, I'd take a bullet for him. I'd do his jail time. I wonder if he thinks about me. He's so cool. People say I should stop this sort of stuff, ever since that…

Dayam! That is both obscure and awesome.

"Fuck, I'm jealous! Dude's done it on nothing but actual talent!"—Ryan Braun

Kevin Durant and Justin Bieber star in the hilarious Adam Sandler remake of "Amazing Grace and Chuck"! Christmas, '15!

So, it's "Another Generic Woody Allen Movie" again? How (un)original!